CaptorsCaptives
by SparrowAngelMusicBaby
Summary: Hi! This is my first story. Yes, it is a selfinsert, sort of. But first of all, Jack, Will, Liz, Cutler, Norry and Barbossa turn up at my house, and I have to pretend to be a pirate. With my friends as my crew. And my stupid cousin. Read on!
1. Chapter 1: Pirate Sleepover

_**Captors/Captives**_

**Well goddy goddy God God. This is one of those 'OhmyGOD Jack Sparrow and Co. are in my KITCHEN whatever will I do' stories.**

**Only just funnier. I hope. I hope you find this story witty. Actually takes place between the end of AWE and the bit after the credits. Basically, I'm having a sleepover, and the PotC characters invade my house. So I pretend to have travelled from the eighteenth century too, with terrible conciquences. And my mates are my crew. Whoop whoop!**

**Anyway this mightn't go anywhere, but it might if you like it and R&R!!!!**

**I love you for it.**

**Honestly.**

**Chapter One**

**Pirate Sleepover**

I got this idea from reading J-14. It was some issue and I only bought it because it showed you how to host your own pirate party.

So I did.

Only it was a sleepover.

And it changed my bleedin life forever.

But a bit about my backstory first;

I am fourteen (nearly).

I live in Ireland.

I am Irish.

And that's it.

Anyway, it was summer hols before I went into second year in secondary school, and my mammy said I could have a sleepover.

Yay!

I chose to theme it, and I picked piratic (word my best mate Orlagh made up, thanks poppet).

So I invited my bessie mates, Orlagh and Irene and my cuzzies (cousins, fool) Siobh (aka Siobhan, Shiver, Biv, Bibs) and Holly (ugh).

I had to compile a music/movie playlist, then.

Of course, the movie playlist went like this;

1. _Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl_

2. _Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest_

3. _Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl _(us acting along)

4. _Pirates of the Cairbbean: Dead Man's Chest _(us acting along again there)

The music playlist would have to consist of something piratic.

I didn't have a clue right then, so I decided to act on impulse on the night.

The night actually came quick enough.

Well, the day came first of course.

All my mates arrived in there piratic outfits as instructed on the invitation (_Those without piratic outfits and/or rum will be shot and made eat their own knickers_).

Of course, they couldn't get their filthy mitts on _real _rum, but they brought the next best things; Cidona and Nestea!!!!

Huzzah!

For those of you who don't know, Cidona is a sparkling apple juicy fruity drink and Nestea is ice tea with flavours in it (Red Fruits, Lemon).

They do look like rum.

Well, you have to wait for the Cidona to get flat first.

Anywho.

The first fun thing that we did that day was a brilliant scavengery hunty type thing, made by moi, for the craic.

It had clues round the house like _Where Elizabeth Keeps Her Dresses _(wardrobe)and _Where Jack Would Probably Keep His Rum If He Had One... Which He Doesn't _(fridge).

Well, we all found the treasure in a chest out in the back garden and it was full with jewelery from Penneys.

Then we went inside for the food. Since Mammy and Daddy were gone, and they didn't trust me and my mad mates in the house on our own, Johnny (my bruv) was in charge, so he made us a pizza with which we had our rum.

Then we binged on choccy.

It was fabby.

At nine o'clock we all decided to get into our jimjams.

We didn't intend on going to bed at this time, naturally we intended to stay up til dawn and beyond. Johnny might have minded.

But who cares because all he ever does is play on the computer or do DJing and eat bread.

Anyway, we watched all PotCs and then acted along as we do.

Then we all got vair vair bored, so we all went down to the kitchen and I made a banana and honey face mask for each of us. Huzzah, once again.

Anyway, we went stayed in the kitchen for a bit, with our banana face masks on, praying that Johnny wouldn't come in or invite one of his weird mates over.

After about five minutes of chatting and so on, we heard a big massive BANG! from my room.

We all ran up the stairs to check it out, naturally.

I was praying that it wasn't my TV, when we opened the door.

And oh shit.

You can guess what happened next.

Sitting in the middle of my bleeding room was Wiliam Turner and Captain Jack Sparrow.

The two hottest pirates in existance.

Oh...my...shite.

We all stood there, dumbstruck.

I looked at Orlagh, Orlagh looked at Irene, Irene looked at Siobh and Siobh didn't bother to look at Holly because if she did I knew she'd say something stupid like, "I like pie."

Or something.

Anyway, I felt like I was going to faint, because we were staring at them and they were staring at us in a very odd way.

Then they unsheathed their swords.

And I realised we all had our banana masks on.

And Captain Jack Sparrow was staring at me... and I only had my pretty dotty lacy night dress on.

Which was see-through.

And I was wearing my Betty Boop underwear.

This is worse than being eaten by the Kraken.

Will and Jack were approaching us slowly, wordless for some reason. I had thought that Jack would say something funny and pervy about our state of dress (for God's sake, Holly had Hello Kitty jimjams on). But he didn't.

So I decided to lead the running party inside the small bathroom at the top of the stairs. And lock it so Will and Jack couldn't get in.

I looked at my face.

I looked like I had been sick on it.

I took action as we were all squished inside the very small bathroom (I was in front of the sink, Orlagh and Siobh were sitting on the toilet with the lid down, and Irene and Holly were sitting in the shower) and washed my face mask off.

"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!!!" Orlagh said.

"I know," Siobh said.

"Was that really them?" Orlagh said.

"I hope so," I found myself saying.

"It can't be them," Irene, the all knowing voice of reason, said, "they're movie characters. It _can't _be them."

"You're right," I said, "We can't let them find that out."

"What are you going to do if Elizabeth's here?" Holly asked.

"Shut up, Holly," Orlagh and I chorused.

"Well the first thing we should do is prepare ourselves physically," I said.

"What does that mean?" Siobh asked.

"We wash off these goddamn face masks," I said, "I heard that Jack Sparrow don't like girls that look like they were just being perpetually sick on each other's faces."

So the girls set about (very awkwardly) removing the banana masks.

The good thing about having a banana mask on when Jack Sparrow and co come to your house is that it guarentees that you will have virtually clear skin. My spots certainly weren't siren red.

Good.

"All done," Siobh said, "Now what?"

"Now, on to the hair fluffing."

Hair fluffing done.

"Now, before we go out, we must elect a leader," Orlagh said, "and I vote Clara, because it's her house."

They all voted me, except for Holly, who voted the Elvive conditioner.

So we exited the bathroom, relieved to be able to breath again.

"Where did they go?"

Jack and Will were nowhere to be seen.

"Jack?" I called, "Will? Where are you?"

"How do you know my name?"

Will's head had popped out from under the stairs.

I heard Jack sigh heavily from under there.

"Thank you, William, for ruining yet another of my brilliant plans," he said, "But he's right... how do you know our names, lass? Or, lasses?"

I smiled my best smile that I had been practicing for a moment like this.

"Well," I said, "You're famous, see?"

Jack's expression was easily read as, wow really?

"Mm-hm," I continued, the rest of the chicks hovering behind me, "We learned about you in... history class. You are in the twenty first century. And you are very very famous pirates. Will is famous for being the captain of the _Flying Dutchman_..."

Jack scoffed.

"...and Jack is famous for, er... being cunning and brilliant and gorgeous and so on," I added, leaving Jack looking satisfied, "And having great hair."

"Mmm," Jack said, "Substantially believeable. Now are you lasses going to introduce yourselves, our are we to hang about not knowing the names of our captors?"

"Oh, right, well I'm Clara," I said, "This is Orlagh, Siobh, Irene and... Holly, unfortunately."

Holly waved at Jack.

He looked very disturbed.

He had good reason.

"Now, if you would just put away the swords and pistols," I said, "Don't you worry, poppets, you can trust us."

I don't know how I suddenly got so bleeding confident.

Will put his pistol back in his belt gingerly, while we seemed to have won Jack over.

Peeerrrfect.

I lead the way down the stairs to the boys, and then remembered Johnny.

Holy shit.

"Ssh!"

I held a finger up against my spearmint lip glossed lips (found some in the loo while we were in there - just in case of snogging incidents with Jack, which weren't likely), so then my finger was all sticky.

I heard loud techno dance music coming from Johnny's room.

Oh good, he had his earphones on.

We all jumped when we heard another loud BANG! from the sitting room.

When I jumped I fell against Will, who steadied me, but probably didn't trust me, still, the mank.

I took a deep breath and straightened my pretty night dress and walked forward to the sitting room door.

I heard a lot of coughing.

I glanced to my left and saw Jack with his ear against the door.

"You're in luck," he said to Will.

I knew that only meant one thing.

I opened the sitting room door and turned the light on.

And it was like Christmas, but backwards.

Elizabeth was sitting on my sitting room floor covered in soot.

How did she get down the chimney, is what I want to know.

But I suppose, she is super skinny and so on so she just slid down.

She was there coughing and coughing and Will went over and helped her up.

They had this disgusting soppy moment where it was just like _Spiderman_ only Elizabeth was the right way up.

Will wiped the soot from her face and held her face and snogged her face right off.

"Euuuwww," I found myself saying and looking away.

I saw that Siobh and Orlagh had both very sinister looks on their faces.

Elizabeth would be very much dead by sunrise, if she wasn't careful.

"Will," she said all Elizabethy, "where are we?"

I found myself stepping up to her and going, "You, my love, are in the twenty first century. And you are also in my house. I will be your hostess for this evening, Clara."

I introduced the others one by one, like before.

"But how did we get here?" Elizabeth asked, ever curious, the little friggin'... curious something.

"Oh, well, slight glitch really," I said, using my improv acting talents (mwah ha ha ha ha), "Didn't you know that there was an entrance exam for the captaining of the _FD_?"

"_FD_?"

"_Flying Dutchman_," Jack and I said in unison, and Jack added, "Obviously."

"Yeah, right well," I explained, "So, what you, Will, have to do is... survive as best you can in this future century where everyone adores you. Then you have to go back and live up to your rep. Reputation, that is."

"That's it?" Jack said, "Dear Lord. _I _could pull that off, no problem. Might be a bit of a problem for our William, though, considering."

"Considering what now?" Will asked threateningly.

"Oh, nothing," Jack said breezily, "You'll see soon enough."

He winked at me (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I smiled.

What with the confidence out of nowhere???

Anyway, I went over to stand by the girls and Holly said, "E_liz_abeth."

I have no idea.

"Shut up Holly."

"Well," Elizabeth said, "what are we supposed to do in this future century?"

BANG!

"Go check that bang out," I said, and led the party to some moaning (no not _that _kind of moaning, you dirty monkeys) from the study.

I tried the door. It was locked. How dare it.

"Orlagh," I said, "be a doll and go get the study key from above the sink. It's the one with the keyring of me on it."

She hopped off to get it, as she does.

She came back and I shoved it in the door.

I opened it hastily and flicked the light on.

"Holy shit."

"Oh God!" Jack moaned.

"James?" Elizabeth exclaimed.

"Beckett?" Will also exclaimed.

"_Sparrow_?" Beckett exclaimed.

"_Turner_?" Norrington exclaimed.

"Holly!" Holly said.

We all looked at her.

"Why is this turning into _Shrek 2_?" Orlagh asked.

I was mad right now, really mad.

Norrington had unsheathed his sword and Beckett was getting up off the floor.

"NOBODY MOVE!" I screamed. I hoped Johnny didn't hear me.

Everyone stopped in there tracks, staring at me.

"Is this the commoner wench that brought us here?" Beckett snarled.

Alright. Attack of the Bitches.

"Did I ASK you to speak, eunuch?" I yelled.

He looked rather startled.

"Excuse me," he said, "I am Lord-"

"-Cutler Bloody Beckett of the East India Cock Company, I KNOW! Everyone here KNOWS, alright? So do us a favour and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!"

Everyone stared at me, mouths open.

This would not have happened in an ordinary situation. Everyone would've just laughed at me.

But eighteenth century movie characters are different.

I felt a big surge of commanding power going through me.

I wonder if Jack ever got this feeling.

Anyways, I walked across the room and stood up on the futon.

"Now listen up," I said loudly, "while you are here, there is _one _captain and _one _captain only-"

I looked at Jack pointedly and sinisterly.

"-and that is me. You will address me as 'Clara' or 'Cee' for some of you..."

I looked at Jack pointedly again, but not so sinisterly.

"...and you will follow _MY ORDERS ONLY..._"

Beckett's turn for the Sinister Glare.

"...and one of those orders is no unsheathing swords for tiny little things..."

Glared at Will. He looked scared. Oooh.

I saw Jack kind of pointing to himself.

Oooh, I felt just like Will when he threatened to kill himself in _CotBP_.

"And for God's sake, no threatening Jack," I said as a finish, then added, "And another thing; if I hear so much as a squeak from downstairs that maybe another of your ridiculous friends, I am going to kill them and make them eat their pantanloons, clear?"

They all nodded.

I was being all commanding and Jackish. Ooh!

Then Holly went and ruined it all, as per usual.

"What if it's Tia Dalma?" she asked.

"Then I won't," I replied and nodded to Jack.

"Giselle?"

Jack glanced to her scarily. It looked like he may kill her.

"Perhaps not."

"Scarlett?"

"Don' know."

"What about the monkey?"

"Holly, I swear to GOD that I will quite literally get Jack to SHOOT YOUR BLEEDING ASS OF IF YOU DO NOT SHUT UP RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOU ALMIGHTY STRUMPET."

Then she got all sulky like she does.

Ugh.

Really.

"Now," I said calmly, going over to Jack and grabbing his arm, "I want you to bring your little pals into the sitting room, sit down and whatever you do, _do not touch anything_."

"And what if we do? What are you going to do then, love?"

Cocky bastard.

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Jackie," I said, "I am going to perform a little surgical procedure from the waist down that will make you that little bit less of a man."

Jack looked horrified.

He led his party into the sitting room.

"And keep quiet in there," I shouted after them.

"What did you do that for?" Irene asked.

"Well, we have to get dressed, don't we?"

We ran up to my room and the girls grabbed their nicest clothes from their bags.

Me, I slipped on my Paco jeans, my green lacy camisole and my green kitten heels.

I grabbed my make-up basket and we all rooted through it for suitable items.

I opted for green eyeliner, in honor of Jack, and some more spearmint lip gloss and a hint of mascara.

Alright. Ready for a night with the pirates.

And the ponces, too.

We all hurried downstairs, and Holly's look teetering dangerously toward 1960s tart girl.

She had better not be trying to steal Jack from me.

Her stubby little claws were not getting anywhere near my man.

Dear God, what am I saying????

Age difference is _ENORMOUS_.

Anyways, it seemed all the other chicas were after Will after my threatening speech and they all knowing my obsession with Jack and so on.

So, we entered the sitting room.

"Oi!" I yelled at Will and Norrington, "If you _both _want to shag Elizabeth so badly, why don't you just take turns? It's not like she minds."

Jack and Irene and Orlagh and Siobh snorted with laughter.

Holly didn't get it.

Typical.

"Now if you don't put them swords away," I said, "I'm going to take them and remove both your manhoods, m'kay?"

They sheathed the swords.

"But hold on," Orlagh said, "I don't get this. How come Norrington and Hey Ho Spagetti-O are here? I thought they died."

"Orlagh..." I said, "remember, the _Dutchman _exam thing brings back your worst enemies, remember?"

"Er...yes, of course!"

"Well, that explains why Jack is here," Will said.

"Oi! That little murderess of yours came on to _moi_," Jack said defensively, "so s'cuse me for being innocent. Everything ain't always my fault."

"We know, Jack," Holly said, appearing beside him.

Ohh!!!!!

She is so dead.

"Whoops," I said, "I forgot the music. Holly can you help me with the CDs, please? The rest of yous... keep them out of trouble."

Holly and I walked out into the hall.

I caught her by the shoulders.

"Holly," I said menacingly, "don't you try anything with Jack. You know the way I feel about him. And you are my family. And I am also older and more experienced. So back off."

She went sulky and we gathered up the CDs.

We had a lot of mixes I had made before, so I planned the playlist mentally.

Went like this.

_1. You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse_

_2. All that Jazz - Catherine Zeta Jones_

_3. Sewn - The Feeling_

_4. Bitch - The Rolling Stones_

_5. Cheers Darlin' - Damien Rice_

_6.When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys_

_7. Amie - Damien Rice_

_8. What Ever Happened - The Strokes_

_9. Rehab - Amy Winehouse_

_10. Natural's Not In It - Gang of Four_

_11. Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis_

_12. Fools Rush In - Bow Wow Wow_

Actually that was from an iTunes Party Shuffle playlist I wrote down. There was about 50 more songs, but I am not bothered to write them.

So Holly and I were picking up some random singles when we heard another BANG!

My head flew up.

"Oh no," I said under my breath, "Oh no no no no no _noo_. This can't be happening to me!!!"

I snuck up to the door of my room, Holly behind me, and opened it.

Three guesses who was there.

**Ta da! That was the first chappy chap. Like it?**

**All these are real people. Holly is my real cousin and is really that stupid. So stupid, in fact, that she thinks she likes Jack more than I do. And this is coming from the girl who's favourite movie is **_**High School Musical**_

**Grrrr, how dare she.**

**Anyway, hope everyone is in character, specially Jackie boy.**

**Anyways, peace, and PLEEEEAASE R&R!!!!!**

**Love you love you love you love you!!!!!**


	2. Chapter 2: RESPECT!

**Hello! Thanks for the reviews, you mad bush monkeys.**

**Will keep writing and warning to anyone who don't like me calling Jack Jackie for it is used in this chappy, but not very much, thank shite.**

**Anyway, read on!**

**Oh, and I own none of it. Only myself and my mates and so forth.**

**Chapter Two**

**R-E-S-P-E-C-T!**

Holly screamed her bleeding head off.

"Oh, for God's sake, he's not that scary," I breathed, even though I was scared shitless.

I was breathing deeply and I was pretty sure that he was staring at my cleavage. Not that I have much of it, mind you. But you know how _he _is.

I was sure that Holly would be delighted.

The monkey was clamboring under his big huge hat.

That's right.

Good ol' Hector Barbossa was pointing his bleeding cutlass in my face.

Holly was cowering behind me.

"I've a good mind to kill ye now," he said, "but I'd love to know what's me and me monkey doin' in this dump?"

"Err..."

This was _way _scarier than being faced with your ideal man.

This was being faced with the man you loathed second most in the world.

"JaaACK!!!" I found myself screaming, terrified.

He came lizard running up the stairs in a flash.

"What the bloody hell is it...oh."

"Jaaaack," Barbossa said, "Pleasure to see ye. May I ask what you're doing with these two young wenches?"

"Actually, Hector," Jack said, "You're just in time! I was just about to do the deed myself..."

"What? That's..." Holly said, before I motioned for her to be quiet.

I knew Jack had a plan.

Or, I hoped Jack had a plan.

"See, this wench here fed myself and the Turners down there some cock and bull story about this being a _trial _for young William," Jack said, and gestured to me, "you know, him being disillusioned into thinking he's the captain of the _Flying Wotsit_. So _she _says he must survive in this alternate universe to prove himself worthy. Personally, I think she's a bit gone in the head too..."

"This is rich, coming from the man who fancies Elizabeth Swann," I said, much to my own surprise. I never wanted to admit that.

He was crazy to like her. He really was.

"What's your name, girl?" Barbossa asked me.

Fake name. Fake name. Fake name fake name fake name fake name fake name!!!!!! .

"Velma Mi Marie," I said quietly.

"S'cuse me?" Jack said.

"_Captain _Velma Mi Marie," I corrected myself.

Jack looked at me, shocked.

I was shocked myself. I had replaced my name with an R'n'B singer/ character from Chicago's name.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME????

It must be Sparrow fever. Mwha ha ha ha.

"Well, Captain Velma Mi Marie, where be your ship?" Barbossa asked.

"I'm on the market, as it were," I said, quoting Jack before I could stop myself.

"And where be we?" he asked.

"Well, to be quite honest with you, I don't know where 'we be'," I lied smoothly, "I happen to be just as lost as you are."

Jack still looked mildly suprised.

"Oh, Captain Sparrow, please except my _sincerest _apologies for earlier," I said to him, "I suppose I was just trying to distract myself from... never mind."

God, I was good! No, better than good.

I was bleedin' _blessed_.

"From what now, Missy?" Barbossa probed. God, what was with the questions? He was like fella off _CSI_. Horehey, or something.

"My grandfather...passed away recently," I said, looking to the floor, "Captain Chevalle. Only family I had left."

Excellent. Go and make yourself part of the Brethern Court too, why don't you.

"And... did he leave you his... thingy?" Jack asked, sounding intimidated.

I had stared at the floor for so long that my eyes began to water. Perfect crying effect.

I looked up at Jack angrily.

"Of COURSE he left me it! Who else would he leave it to, you?!"

So, so angry.

"Well, miss," Barbossa said, "I believe you and your... littler miss there be one of us."

Barbossa then just descended down the stairs out of his own accord.

"Velma_ Mi Marie_?" Jack said.

"That's right."

"Oh, tha's bollocks!"

"Well, if you don't like it, tough," I said, "Liz ain't the only female captain in these waters."

I heard screams from downstairs.

Ah, joy. My crew.

"Now, Jackie boy, you'd do well to be on _my _side in all this," I hissed, "I am captain of this ship, love, like it or not."

I hurried down stairs, followed by Holly and an angry looking Jack.

I entered the sitting room and the swords were out again.

"OY!" I screamed louder than ever, "PUT 'EM _DOWN_!"

That was when Johnny poked his head out the back bedroom door.

"What are ya shouting at?"

"NOTHING!"

He retreated into the room.

I circled every pirate individually as I said the next speech.

"Now, I already warned y'all - I am _el capitano _here. I was 'ere first. My er, ship, my rules. Y'all would do well to obey 'em, right? Specially you, Jackie boy."

I hissed that part in his ear and tugged one of his braids.

He looked fairly uncomfortable.

"I don't want _any _rebellions here, right? Especially from Beckett and the other fella over there. So... do us a favour and tie em up, would ya, Will?"

Will just looked at me.

"With what?"

"There's a room upstairs, on the right. Should be some scarves in there."

He set off.

All my friends looked beyond confused.

"And why should _we _listen to _you_?" Elizabeth said.

"Yes, why?" Norrington said.

"Barbossa, you wouldn't take care of our girlie there, would you? Bullet in the mouth should do it."

"No!" Elizabeth squeaked.

"Then behave yourself, honey," I said, "Now, I would like to see my crew for a mo, in the hall..."

I was about to follow my confused looking 'crew' out, when I decided to add, "And if any of you so much as sigh, I will not hesitate to mutilate you."

"Clara," Orlagh asked, "What is going on?"

"Okay, so I _may _have told Barbossa that I was a pirate called Velma Mi Marie."

"What?" they chorused.

"Yeah... and that I was related to that French fella from the Brethren Court."

"Oh, God!" Orlagh said.

"And that he was dead and I was his heir."

"Oh my God!" Siobh said.

"And that I didn't know where we were either."

"That was so stupid!" Irene said, "Why did you do that?"

"Because," I said, "I didn't want him to kill all of you. Okay, so now you can be my crew. Orlagh, you're first mate."

"What about me?" Holly said.

"Shut up Holly," I said, "And we should all pick pretend names."

Orlagh became Yunjin.

Siobh became Piper.

Irene became Filly.

Holly became Becky. How very typical of her.

"No, Holly, you have to pick a pirate name."

"Okay... Anamaria!"

"One that's not already taken."

"Um...Gretchen!"

"Fine, if it's the best you can do."

We went back into the sitting room.

Why was Will not back yet?

Myself and 'Yunjin' went to check why.

We came into my room.

Will had gotten tangled in my bags. How typical.

We untangled him and I gave him six scarves.

"Why six?"

"You need to tie up your lady Elizabeth."

"No..."

"Yes. She is unruly and disobiedient."

"No!"

"Orl- _Yunjin_, can you help me with this?"

Yunjin planted a very long snog on Will, while I tied him up.

Handy.

He struggled, but we were strong enough for fourteen year old girls, and fortunately he had two pistols on him, one for each of us.

Smart of us to both wear our boho belts, so we could stick the pistols down them.

Before we went out of the room, I grabbed my gold sparkly scarf and also my rainbow one from last winter. We'd need them.

We proceeded down the stairs when I heard a familiar call of,

"Come here!"

It was Johnny. Shittity brickitty.

I let go of Will and met Johnny at the kitchen door.

"Yeah?" I said.

"I want to ask you something."

"What?"

"Why is it that Keira Knightley, Geoffrey Rush and the other fella are in our sitting room dressed as pirates?"

"Johnny, come here."

I walked a few steps backwards to the computer under the stairs, and said, "I am so, so, _so _sorry about this."

"What?"

The lamp came crashing down on his black haired head with a sickening sound.

"That, mate."

Then I yelled to Yunjin up the stairs, "Bring him down!"

"What about Johnny?"

"He's incapacitated at the mo."

"LET ME GO!"

"Oh, okay. Stop struggling! Yes, we know you're gorgeous, but there's no need to be a brat!"

"LET ME GO!!!"

Jack's head popped out from behind the sitting room door.

"Can you both please get a move on? Elizabeth's begining to get a bit unruly in here... Barbossa's already tried kissing her and even _that _hasn't shut her up."

"Be there in a mo, poppet."

I smiled at him sweetly and ran up to help Orlagh- whoops, I mean Yunjin.

There was finally calm (sort of) in my house.

Beckett (aka Becky), Norry, Will and Liz had successfully been silenced.

"Now, since we have that unpleasantness over, I think we deserve some rum!" Jack said, classically.

"I'll see what they have in this place," I said, in an English accent, "but I ain't promising anything."

The other girls had donned English accents, too.

We walked to the kitchen, and they all saw Johnny unconcious on the floor in the hallway.

"What the hell is that?" Siobh asked, pointing at him.

"Just me doin' some honest pirating for once, Piper," I said, and pulled his house keys out of his pocket.

It was funny how quickly Jack had forgotten the thing about him being all famous and we learning about him in history class.

Then this happened.

"So everything about this twenty first century malarkey wasn't true?" he asked.

"Well, not exactly love," I said, "See, we woke up in the kids room upstairs. We found this history book and it said 'Twenty First Century And Back' on it. And yous was in it. So I pretended to be one of those twenty first century lasses."

"And why were you in nightgowns and such?"

"We woke up in 'em," Siobh aka Piper pitched in.

"Aye," I said, for effect.

"And may I see this alleged history book?" Jack asked, looking a little suspicious.

"Ah, no," I said, "Gretchen 'ere burned it. She thought it was blasphemous."

Then I added in a whisper, "_She's very religious._"

I pretended to root through the drawers, trying to find rum.

"Damn twenty first century maggots don't got none!" I exclaimed, "Bollocks!"

"You've got a foul mouth on you, missy," Barbossa remarked.

I glared at him.

"It could get even fouler if you don't watch it, Hector."

He smiled at me.

Perv.

Jack was rooting through the fridge.

"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked. He was obviously very upset because of our rum situation.

He was holding up a pack of seven bars of Bournville dark chocolate. Yum.

"Dunno," I said, "want to venture a guess?"

"Maybe it's some kind of poison," Irene aka Filly said.

Jack opened one of the bars.

He bit into it.

"Don' fret," he said, "it's only chocolate, love."

"Oh, God, give it here then!"

Jack gave me a bar.

I gave all the others one, except for dear old Hector. He was sitting at my kitchen table looking wise.

"Oh, Hector, live a little," Jack said, "or you'll turn wrinkly and bigoted in no time... oh, wait, too late."

I laughed.

We finished our bars in quick time, and went to check on our little captives.

Jack opened the door, and we heard a smack and a groan.

Cutler Beckett was lying on the ground along with Will.

I tutted.

"You naughty boys have been trying to escape, haven't you?" I said, "Well, you'll know better next time."

"This is barbaric!" Elizabeth screamed. I sauntered toward her.

"And just when I thought I had shut you up," I hissed in her face, "Of course it's barbaric, Elizabeth... but it's the only way."

I was truly becoming a monster.

Elizabeth, Norrington, Cutler and Will had no way of wriggling out of their bonds; Siobh and Jack turned out to be masters at the art of tying people's hands and legs together.

This was probably because Jack was a bondage slut, but he just didn't want to admit it.

And Siobh... well, she certainly wasn't a bondage slut. So I don't know about her.

"We'd want to stay with these," Siobh suggested in her Cockney accent that would put Lily Allen to shame, "just in case they break out again."

She looked at Will regretfully.

"I don't think we should have tied them up," Irene said, "we should have reasoned with them."

"Nah," I said, "I was never a girl for reason, me."

"Me too," Holly said.

I gave her a withering look.

She withered.

Mission accomplished.

Barbossa got up from the couch to look at the TV.

Me and the girlies had to pretend that we didn't know what it was.

He pressed the on button.

RTÉ2 came on.

_The Rocky Horror Picture Show _was on.

We stared at it in silence for a while.

_Great, _I thought, _I am watching a film about transvestites and gay sex with four pirates, a Navy man and an agent from the East India Trading Company. My day is made._

We sat and watched _Rocky Horror _for the best part of an hour.

Afterwards, I said, "I think we'd be needin' some sleep, what do ye think?"

"Same here, love," Jack said, and he slipped a hand round my waist.

"Riight," I said, playing hard to get and slipping it away (I know that makes no sense. That is just typical me), "Yunjin, Piper, help me find us some blankets?"

Orlagh and Siobh followed me upstairs.

We went to my hotpress and started taking sleeping bags and blankets out.

"You know," Siobh said, "your dreams have come true and you are not even embracing them. Shaame on you."

"What the feck are you banging on about now?" I asked her.

Then she transformed into the Wise Woman of the Wood.

"I can see that Jack is smit with you," she said, "and you are not embracing it. How dare you."

"I don't know," I said, unsurely, "Doesn't he like hard to get? He liked it when Eliza Biza was hard to get..."

"Do whatever you want," Orlagh said, "Just don't go chaining him to masts for a snog, right?"

"So... whaddaya reckon about my chances with Will?"

She sooo should not have said that.

"Who says you have chances????" Orlagh said.

"He seems to like me..."

"Does not! It's _me _he likes. Clara, you saw the way he was looking at me. He likes me right???"

"Ladies! Now, listen; first of all, it don't matter where we are, I am still Velma Mi Marie or Captain to yous. And ye are all still whatever. Now, Will likes NEITHER of you because he likes Thigh Feeler MacGee. So shut it."

They went all thick and quiet.

"He could be promiscuous..."

"Orlagh! You have heard Jack enough times to know that he is a eunuch... but I guess we don't really know because Holly wouldn't let us stay for after the credits of AWE. Bitch."

"I'm Yunjin."

"Yeah, Yunjin, right sorry."

I descended down the stairs carrying blankets and Siobh and Orlagh followed me, giving each other menacing glances.

We walked into the sitting room and Barbossa was doing the Time Warp.

Oh, fabulous.

Bloody fabulous.

"Barbossa, dear," I said, Cockney accent back on, "refrain from doing that for you are not a transvestite owning a hostel for other transvestites/transsexuals. Not that I know of anyway."

"Where are the others going to sleep?" Holly asked.

"The others as in..."

"We're not sleeping on the _floor _with those two _guys_, are we???"

I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, Gretchen, we bloody well are. And if it don't suit you, you can sleep outside, savvy?!"

Jack looked impressed.

Mwah ha ha, I am on my way to Snog Central.

What, it happened to Beth in _We're Noble, Heroic, Terrific Sopranos!_ and _she _was only fourteen.

Only she didn't get snogged, did she?

But he liked her.

True, dudelemosos.

Anyhow, I was being a glacy madam, organizing the blankies on the ground while the other girls were fighting over who was sleeping beside Barbossa.

"Well, I know I'm not!"

"Me neither."

"Me neither, as well," Holly chirped.

"Captain?" Irene said, mockingly, "Any thoughts on this?"

"Yes, Filly, indeed I do," I said, "Gretchen's sleeping next to Hector."

"Why are you always so nasty to me?"

"Because you are a whelp and a twat of the first water."

"Hmph!"

"You can hmph all you like, it's not going to change arrangements."

"Captain's orders!" Orlagh barked.

"Here, here," Siobh said.

I thought they were trying to get in my good books, because of the Will thing.

Tough, they were just going to have to share him.

"Alright, beds arranged!" I announced, "Snuggle down and pretend you're comfortable."

I had _intended_ to go in the space between Orlagh and Jack, that Orlagh intentionally saved for me (thanks once again, poppet and besty friend), but who hops down there but HOLLY! aka Gretchen.

"Gretchen..." I said threateningly, "Get up."

"Make me!"

"_Get. Up_."

"As I said, make me!"

Ooh. She was quoting Jack.

She was so dead.

"Hector! Get over here!"

"What is it now?"

"Lift this young wench up and lock her in the study. Here's the keys."

He did as he was told.

"Wow," Irene said, "I didn't think Barbossa took orders from anyone."

"Yeah," Orlagh said, "You are _such _a bitch!!!"

I smiled at her.

"Ah," Jack said, trying the arm-waist thing again, "I like a woman in control...sometimes."

"And," I said, pushing it off and pouting, "I like a man who knows where he stands..._sometimes_."

Yeah! Glacy bitchy sex kitty! _Meow_!!!

Barbossa returned and I noticed that he had a fresh scrape on his grisly old face.

Holly was so violent.

We snuggled off to sleep. The other four brats (soz, Will) became quiet. Probably because Barbossa had punched each of the dudes, because they wouldn't stop mumbling during _Rocky Horror_. And Jack had satisfied his urge to slap Elizabeth.

I was facing Orlagh, and Jack didn't try anything in the night.

I know that because I was awake for most of the night.

It came to about five a.m. and Orlagh woke up for no reason.

"Hi," she said, "Did you sleep?"

"Nope."

"Got your miiind on somethin'?"

"Orlagh, do us a favour and stop quoting Jerry Lee Lewis from _Walk The Line_. And no, I am not going to shag Jack in his sleep."

"Why, are you worried that he will sound like Darina saying 'fuck' repeatedly?"

"No, it's just... disgusting. I'd be raping my favourite pirate. Eugh."

"Are you sure he's asleep?"

"Hold on."

I bent over and whispered, "Tortuuuuugaa... ruuuuum... prossssiiieees" in his ear. He jerked suddenly.

"Think so."

"D'you want to go out and see if Holly is talking in her sleep?"

"Indeed I do."

We went out to the study door and pressed our ears against it.

"Bonnnnyyyy?"

We both fell about silent laughing.

"Mmmm... Jack Sparrow... _Captain _Jack Sparrow, if you please..."

I stood up straight.

The talking wasn't sleepy enough.

I mouthed 'She's awake!' to Orlagh, and Orlagh spontanously threw the Golden Pages telephone directory at the door.

"Aaaaaah! W-who was that??? Cla- Velma was that you? Barbossa? Monkey?"

We looked at each other with an 'Ohmigod ohmigod OHMIGAWD!' look and set about looking for the monkey.

"Jaaacck... J_aaaaa_ck..." I called, searching Johnny's room.

"Come out... I have something naaaaice for youuuu..."

"Well finally! I was beginning to think you weren't interested at all, darling."

I smiled, my back turned to Captain Jack.

"Captain Sparrow, you have a terrible habit of misinterpreting the situations at hand. Especially the ones concerning those of the _female _gender."

I turned toward him.

He was there, leaning on the arm propped up against the doorframe, his legs crossed over one another. You know the way.

Sexy beyond belief.

I found myself biting my tongue, in case it just took on a mind of it's own and stuck itself down his throat.

"Well, I don't think I misinterpretted it at all, love," he said, all flirtily and Jackish, "By the sound of your voice, it seems to me, me and my incredible intuitive sense of the female creature that _you_ are playing hard to get, Miss Velma Mi Marie."

"That's Captain to you, chuck," I found myself saying before I could stop myself.

Shite! Think Velma Kelly girl think Velma Kelly!!!!

"_Captain_, then," he said, letting the words roll off his tongue, like he knew just what I wanted.

Jack came over to me, pulled me toward him and I found out something that I had wanted to know for the past four years.

I was nearly as tall as Captain Jack Sparrow.

Awwwwllllriiight!

Anyway, back to the whole thing.

"So what say we forget all this playing games malarkey-"

"-go upstairs to the bedroom and get on with the show?" I suggested. Jack looked mildly suprised.

"Sorry, Captain," I said, gently pushing him away with only my fingertips, "but this ain't the opportune moment."

Jack sighed exasperatedly.

"Oh, and when _will _be the bloody opportune moment, eh?"

"When it's of greatest profit to me, of course," I said, smiling over my shoulder.

"Love, you are truly a bother," Jack said, "But I'll bother with you anyway."

"Thanks," I said, "You've got to be the first to actually admit that."

I nodded curtly to him and I don't know why I actually did that.

"Come on," I said, "We've got to wake the others up."

"Ohh, why?"

"Well, to get us back home, duh."


	3. Chapter 3: You Know You're In Port Royal

**HELLO EVERYONE! Yay! Chappy Three, now. Thank you ALL for reviewing. Especially RaphaelFanGirl101 and CaptainSparrow-luv! RFG101 was my first reviewer, and CaptainS-luv my maddest (you are appearing in Chappy 8, I think. I'll see if I can squeeze you in sooner, okay?). RaphaelFanGirl101, it is cool to like Barbossa. I think. Anywho, keep an eye out for my bessie mate Orlagh in this chappy, for she is vair vair amusant! Peace, and keep read and reviewing!**

**Chapter Three**

**You Know You're In Port Royal When...**

I was still Spearmint Glacier Queen.

I told Irene about it, since she was the only one that didn't know except for Holly and there was _no way _I was telling her.

"That's kind of stupid, though," she said after I told her.

"How?" I said.

"There's no point in being mean to him," she said, "because it'll just make him... less interested."

"No, it won't," I said, wisely, "If I know Captain Jack Sparrow, which in a sense I do, he likes it when girls play hard to get. He _obviously _likes a challenge."

"Hmm," Irene said, contemplating this, "So...do you think Will likes it when girls play hard to get?"

"Oh, dear God."

We had found the monkey. It had taken a shine to Orlagh.

She was carrying it around like her dog Trudy and petting it and so on.

"Okay," I said when we were all sitting at the kitchen table, including the brats (soz Will) who we had finally let out of their bonds, "if anyone here has any idea how to get us back to our time, please raise your hand."

Orlagh raised her hand, and she was the only one.

"Yunjin!" I said, "Share, please."

"Captain, may I see you for a sec?"

"Uh...yeah."

We went out into the hall and closed the kitchen door behind us.

Orlagh was still holding the monkey.

"You want to go back to their time?" she said incredulously, "To _olden times_????"

"Er... yeah. Why?"

"What the hell is wrong with you, woman?" she said, dropping Jack the monkey, "You aren't serious; you want to go to a world without phones, without vest tops, without deodorant, without decent music, without _Lost_???????"

Oh, did I forget to mention that?

Orlagh is unnaturally obsessed with _Lost._

She once watched 17 episodes in one day.

'Nuff said.

"Well, yes, but only for a little while."

"And _how _are you going to get back, exactly?"

"Well... I suppose we could ask Tia..."

"Clara, you have truly lost your mind. Tia expanded in POTC3. She is gone."

"Crap, you're right. But not going back will blow our cover... Will."

"What? What about Will?"

"Will. Will! Situation! Who's winning?"

Orlagh got all huffy.

"I am, of course."

"Irene likes him too."

"_Whaat_???"

"Let's go back into the kitchen."

So we did. I so didn't want to get involved with _that_.

"Any ideas yet?" I said.

"Yes... _Barbossa _has one," Will told me.

Orlagh fluttered her eyelashes at him.

No reaction.

God, he truly was being a total eunuch.

"Aye," Barbossa said, "I say we be needin' a bit of witchcraft on our side..."

"And _you _know of some?" Elizabeth said.

"Aye, missy, so keep quiet or we be havin' you in bonds again in no time!"

She stayed quiet.

Barbossa went on and on about this procedure of witchcraft and crap and I wasn't even really listening.

"Hrrrmmmmrrrmm," I heard from the hall.

Oh Jesus.

Oh _Jesus_!

Johnny!

Why hadn't we moved him??? Why??? And he was waking up now!!!

"Oi!" I said loudly, "Stay quiet. Jack, Yunjin, Filly, I need yous a second."

I led them out into the hall.

"Clara...what the f..." Johnny grumbled.

"Jack, do me a favour, love," I said, "Go get us something heavy and breakable."

"But why..."

"Just go!"

He scampered off.

"Johnny," I whispered.

"Mmm, what? Where the feckin' hell am I?"

"Johnny, I am going to smash something over your head again, so be prepared."

"Wha..."

Jack came back with a statuette thing. It was old. No one would miss it.

"Nice work," I said to him.

"My pleasure, love," he said, all flirty I think.

I brought the statuette down on my poor big bro's head and he was knocked out again.

"Right," I said, "Help me cart this whelp into the bedroom there."

It really did take all of us to bring Johnny into this bedroom.

"Why was he calling you Clara?" Irene asked, getting into character.

"Lord knows," I said, "He's convinced that I'm some twenty first century wench."

"You're far off that," Orlagh said.

"Er, thanks. Well, that's that problem taken care of... now back to how to get us home."

Everyone was still in the kitchen, and Beckett was helping himself to some blue cheese from the fridge.

"Er, sorry, Mr Beckett?" Irene said.

"It's _Lord_-"

"That's not blue cheese, Becky," Orlagh said, "It's just gone off. Good for you though, taking the chance and eating it. Very daring."

Becky scowled, and went on rooting through my fridge (grrr!).

"So... how about that magicy thing that Barbossa was suggesting? Let's try that," I said, "What do we need?"

"Candles, incense, flowers and something personally valuable from each of us," Elizabeth said.

"I saw some candles upstairs," Siobh said, "Don't know about incense though."

"We'll do our best," I said, "Now, let's all split up and search for what we need."

We all split up in our own groups.

Holly wanted to go with Jack who wanted to go with me, and I wanted to go with Orlagh.

So we all ended up going together.

Siobh was well put out about this, so I said that she was to take Will and Irene, and she brightened right up.

Eliza-Biza, Norry and Becky went of together.

I suggested we start in the 'wench's' room, so we did.

We took down my seashell candle, and some ornamental fake flowers that I had in my room.

"What about the something valuable?" Orlagh asked.

"I want the monkey!"

"Shut up, H- _Gretchen_," I replied, looking at my own seashell jewellery box, "I don't know. You got anything on you?"

"_Only my Sawyer picture_," she whispered, while Jack had his back turned.

"Ohh, right," I said, picking up my big silver ring, with the purple stone in it and putting it in the pocket of my jeans.

You know that gold one that Jack wears on the index finger of his right hand? You know the one, with the big purple stone in the middle of it.

Well, it looks like that, only silver.

Orlagh had decided use her silver ring with the little ruby in the middle of it, because she couldn't find anything else.

Holly, however, only wanted one thing.

"Monkey, monkey, monkey!" she exclaimed.

"Gretchen you are acting like a retard and quite frankly getting on my nerves," I said.

"Besides, lass, you don't want that infernal eviscerated simian clamboring round your shoulders day and night," Jack said, walking over to us, "It gets itchy after a while."

"Look, what about that?" Orlagh suggested, "The little 'Holly' necklace; your mother gave you that didn't she? Your mother, Holly?"

"No, I'm-"

We gave her a stern look.

"Yes! Yeah, I'll use that."

"Right, that's everyone satisfied," I said, "And Jack, of course you can take care of your own thing, can't you?"

"Of course, darling."

"Ew, okay, let's go find the others," Holly said.

So we did, and they all had everything we needed. Huzzah!

Barbossa said that we needed to go out into the back garden, and that I should fetch something to light the fire.

What fire?

I ran inside, my green kitten heels clip clopping along the tiles. God, I hate that sound.

I grabbed a box of matches from the mantlepiece in the sitting room, and took about four out. Just in case the first one wouldn't work.

"Ta da!" I said, coming back out into the garden.

"Fine, but what do we need them for?" Will asked.

"Dispense of your items!" Barbossa said, ignoring him.

Everyone just looked at him.

"Throw it all on the ground, you fools!" Orlagh said.

We dispensed, of the items, all of them, even our valuables. Except for Jack.

"Jack you'd want to huzzy up and decide what you're going to dispense of," I said, nudging him.

"Ah, hahahahahahahaha," Barbossa said, laughing like a loony on morphine.

I looked up and saw that we had three Polish boys watching over the wall of my back garden.

"What the hell are you looking at?" I shouted.

They looked at me, stunned.

"Scat, you infernal invertebrates!"

They lowered themselves away from the wall.

"Okay, now on with the show," I said.

Jack glanced at me and at Siobh who was on his other side.

He fumbled with his compass.

"Jack do you want to go home or not?" Irene asked impaitently.

I yanked the compass out of his hand and threw it in our pile of crap.

"Oi!"

"Don't worry," I said in an undertone, "If I know magic like I know magic, then you will get it back."

"Good," Barbossa said, satisfied, "Now, ye all gather in a circle."

We gathered round, me and Holly on either side of Jack.

He looked uncomfortable, and I don't think it was because of the compass.

It was probably the feeling of intense competition that was going on between me and Holly.

Anyway, I got the matches out of my pocket.

"Good, but what are we going to light them with?" Will asked, this time expecting to be answered.

"Oh!" I said, going over to Beckett.

I struck the match behind his ear, and it lit. That just proves that some things on TV _do_ work in real life.

"And _voilá_!" I said, throwing the match on the pile of crap.

I ran over to my place beside Jack when I saw Barbossa's eyes widen and got a bit scared.

Then he started laughing manically, and yelled, "HOLD ON!!!!"

Then something totally crazy happened.

The whole everywhere round us started to spin and spin fast and it was like we fell into the ground and kept on falling, only fast and painfully.

I found Jack's hand and clutched it like I would never let go.

I screamed shrilly, like all the other girls and Beckett, and then this really weird thing happened -

I felt Jack grab me and pull me into him, only my back was turned so he was holding my waist.

"_Now is the opportune moment_," he whispered, and turned me around.

Oh God oh God oh goddy God God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He pulled me into this big long, gorgeous kiss, holding me real tight with one hand and running his other hand through my (short enough) hair.

My arms were round his neck and I so did not want him to let go.

Ohhhhh Gaaaawwwd...

It was _so bloody fab_.

It never came in with any tongue action, though.

We broke apart (crap! crap crap CRAP!), and he just touched my face and then BAM!

I woke up, feeling groggy, the sun blinding me. My bed felt hard, and my ribs were hurting like crazy. I was having bad trouble breathing, for some reason. I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes.

Then they focused.

My jaw dropped.

Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know where I was sitting? Do you know?

I was sitting in the middle of afternoon Port bloody Royal!

And that wasn't all.

I looked down at myself.

Dear. God.

I was wearing a low cut light blue dress, straight out of the 1700s. On my feet were buckled light blue shoes, with perilously high heels.

I really wanted to find out the cause of my bad breathing, so I looked down the bodice of my dress.

Oh, fab, I was wearing a bloody corset.

I looked around me and thank god there was Orlagh and oh dear god Holly. But where were the others?

Jack? Will? Siobh? Irene? Barbossa? Beckett? Lizzie? Norry? _Jack_?

I poked Orlagh, knowing that she is a crazily light sleeper and she went, "Whaaat is it?"

Then I had to yank her out of a donkey-and-cart's way.

"Oi! Watch it!" I said in a convincing British accent.

"Oh God," Orlagh said, in an equally convincing accent, "Where the feck are we?"

"Port Royal," I said, "And nice accent."

"What, I'm not- oh, God," Orlagh said, her hand going up to her throat.

"What? What?" I said, my voice not going off British.

"Clara," she said, "I can't speak in anything else _but _this accent!"

Oh Christ.

Our voices were stuck on British.

Oh no.

We really were in the eighteenth century.

Scary.

Orlagh looked down, inspecting her dress.

It was a light purple, mostly the same design as mine, as were her shoes.

I noticed that my dress also had a hot pink belt, like one I saw in _Marie Antoinette_.

Orlagh's had a dark blue one.

Joy.

I looked at my hands, seeing that the turqoise nail varnish was still there, but my ring was there too, on my index finger.

Of my right hand.

God.

Orlagh had her ring too and after we finished our further inspections we turned to Holly.

"Clara... Clara," Orlagh said, beginning to laugh, "Holly..."

"What? What about her?"

"She's wearing a BONNET!"

Orlagh was right!

We nearly died laughing.

Afterwards, we woke her up.

"Where are we?"

"Port Royal."

"Coool!"

"Shut up Holly."

"Nice bonnet, by the way," Orlagh said and I nearly died laughing again.

Holly was dressed the exact way that Elizabeth was at the start of _Curse of the Black Pearl_. The part when she's at Norry's promo.

It looked too funny for words.

We got up off the ground and brushed ourselves off.

"Okay Captain Vel," Orlagh said, "Where do we go now?"

"Well, Yunjin, I'm thinkin' we should find Will first."

"Why Will? I thought you liked Jack."

"Yes, Holly I do," I said, sighing, "But if we go displaying Jack in the middle of Port Royal he's bound to be hanged."

"And there's only one place where Will _should _be," Orlagh said.

"Blacksmiths!" we said in unison. Except for Holly, who was adjusting her bonnet.

Lovely.

We ran all through Port Royal, trying to find J. Brown's blacksmith's shop.

My feet and ribcage were aching from my too high shoes and too tight corset.

"Where is it?" I moaned, the three of us walking down a lane.

"There," Orlagh said, pointing at the sign.

We ran in the door, and saw J. Brown himself asleep with a half empty bottle of rum in his hand.

"Wiiiiill? Wiiiill? Will!" Orlagh was calling.

I took my moment to sneak over to Mr Brown and snatch his rum.

What? It was for Jack.

Duh.

Anyway, Holly was adjusting her bonnet in a mirror on the wall.

I ran over to it and shoved her aside.

"Hey! I was using that!"

"For _bonnet _reasons."

"And I suppose you're using it for _Jack_ reasons?"

"Bingo was his nameo."

I saw that my hair was in an updo, which was pretty, but too neat.

I pulled some strands loose, to make it more natural looking.

Then I noticed that Orlagh and Holly and I looked way older in our beyond vintage dresses.

Cool.

"Orlagh," I said, then remembering something vital that I was such a prick not to realise, "Will isn't here."

"Where is he then?"

"On the _FD_."

"Oh, bollocks, you're right."

We all looked at each other.

"Let's go to the prison," Orlagh said.

"Yeah, I'm all for that," I said, opening the door, still carrying the rum.

I asked some girl working in the bakery where the prison was.

"Down the lane, take a right," she said, eyeing the rum suspiciously.

"It's for a friend," I said breezily.

We hurried down there, Holly holding her bonnet to her head.

I led the party down the stairs and the guard (Carruthers, I presume) stopped us before we could go down there.

"I'm afraid you can't be here, madam," he said to me.

"Excuse me," I said, "but my aunt's nephew twice removed is the dauphin of France, so you _will _let me pass or I will set his army on your naval arse. And that's _madamoiselle_, Mr Carruthers."

I pushed past him, Orlagh, Holly and her bonnet following me.

As we walked down by the cells, the prisoners wolf-whistled at us.

I rolled my eyes.

Pervs.

"Oi! Come back for ol' Captain Jack, have you?"

I ran down to his cell and squealed, "Jaaack!"

I hugged him as best I could through the bars.

"Good God, Velma, are you wearing a _corset_?" he asked.

"Yeah, unfortunately," I said, "Oh, poor Jack. I'm so happy to see you."

"Hey, Jack," Orlagh called, and Holly and her bonnet waved.

Jack nodded to them.

"What are you in here for?" I asked him.

"Running into good ol' Beckett's East India Trading Company, tha's what," Jack replied, "But you're going to get me out, aren't ye?"

"What kind of pirate would I be if I didn't?" I said, "Now, where are they?"

"I think red man has 'em," Jack told me.

Shit.

"Gretchen, fetch us somethin' heavy," I said.

"Awwww, why meee?"

"Just _do it_!"

"Okkayyy..."

She came back less than a second later with an empty drawer.

"Thanks," I said.

I crept up behind Carruthers, and brought the drawer down on his head.

He collapsed satisfactorily.

I could hear cheers from the other prisoners.

I searched all the pockets in his jacket until I found the keys.

"Aha!" I said, and ran down to Jack's cell.

"_Voilá_!" Orlagh said, "The sweet escape!"

I unlocked Jack's cell and he grabbed me again, ready for a snog.

Then I remembered the 'always leave them wanting more' training and put a finger to his lips.

"Nah-ah," I whispered, "I ain't _that _easily claimed, Captain."

"Hmm, seems so," he said, "Is that rum?!"

"Oh, yeah, this is for you," I said, giving him the bottle

"You are an _angel_."

"I know," I shrugged, "Come on, let's bounce."

The others went out the back door before me, leaving me with all the moaning, disappointed prisoners.

"Sorry, loves, but I only free one pirate at a time!"

We stood round the back of the prison, all four of us.

"So," Orlagh said, "we're basically screwed. Will's on the _Dutchman_, Beckett's dead, Norry's dead - oh wait, that's good - and... hey, where's Barbossa?"

"Probably with my bloody _Pearl_," Jack said, swigging his rum.

"We've got to go to our last resort," Orlagh sighed, "And I really don't want to do it either, but it's the only thing left... we have to go to Lizzybeth's house."

"Aw, crap," I said, folding my arms across my chest.

"It's the only way," Orlagh said.

So we set off to the ponciest house in all of Port Royal. We were hoping to God that Lizzybeth wasn't out at sea with Will, because if she was we might as well be dead in the water.

Er, whatever that means.

Anyway, we all trudged up the drive of Elizabeth's massive house, and stopped at the door.

"Right," Orlagh said, "Who's knocking? I know I'm not."

"Me either," Jack said, shaking his head, "The results may be disastrous."

I looked at Holly who shook her bonneted head.

"Fine," I said, "but I want you to know that you're all whelps. The lot of you. And mean. Because this is my worst and best nightmare."

I knocked on the door, to the tune of Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl, because that was sure to get anyone's attention.

And it worked.

The doorman person opened the door promptly and said, "May I be of service?"

I lightly shoved Jack in the direction of a bush by the door, indicating that he needed to hide behind it.

"Yes," I said, in my bestest ponce accent, "We are here to see Miss Elizabeth Swann. She's expecting us."

"And might I enquire your names?"

"Velma Mi Marie, Yunjin Kim and...er... Gretchen Wieners," I said.

I was seriously sick. I was spouting _Mean Girls_.

The doorman fella went out to some fancy room with a lot of flowers in it and a piano, from where soft music was playing.

I heard him say, "There is a Miss Velma Mi Marie, a Miss Yunjin Kim and a Miss Gretchen Vieners to see you, Miss Swann."

He pronounced Holly's fake last name wrong!

Good.

"See them in," I heard Elizabeth say, obviously sitting at the piano.

From where we were, Jack poked his head out the bush.

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked.

"Sneak round the back!" I said, as the other two went in.

I acted on impulse and hugged him.

"Mmm, not long til you cave in, love," Jack said, letting go of me.

"Yeah, right," I said walking into the house.

I turned round and came face to face with the one girl I have loathed since...er, 2003.

"Velma!" Elizabeth exclaimed, hugging me (oh God), "It's so good to see you!"

"You as well, Elizabeth," I said, "You as well."

"Well, come in here to the lounge," she said, leading me into the flowery room where Orlagh and Holly were sitting on a fancy little couch.

"Would you like some tea?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied, suprising myself, "I would love some."

But I hated tea.

What the hell was wrong with me???

Elizabeth called her maid to bring her some tea for us, and then she sat down prettily on one of the fancy blue armchairs.

"Elizabeth," I said, "let me get to my nub, or whatever. What do you remember about this morning?"

Elizabeth looked thoughtful gasp! for a minute.

"Well," she said, "I remember waking up in the street, and then you were all beside me, and then Jack woke up. Then he got spotted by some navy officials, and was carted off to the prison. So I followed, intending to break him out. But I got distracted... so I went home. I figured they'd have Jack well guarded so there would be any point in-"

"What the hell is wrong with you, woman?" Orlagh exclaimed, suddenly, "What kind of pirate are you?! This is _Jack Sparrow _we're-"

"Don't worry, we got him out," I said, interrupting Orlagh.

She looked annoyed.

"Oh, good," Elizabeth said, as the tea and scones arrived (ooh! la di da), "Wait... weren't there two more of you girls?"

"Yeah," I said, picking up my dainty little cup, "That's the thing. Will's on the _Flying Dutchman_, obviously, and Beckett and Norrington are gone to a better place... but where are Piper, Filly and Barbossa, is what I need to know."

"Yes, well, maybe you should ask Ja-"

CRASH!

"You know, I think I'll ask him right now," I said, getting up and running toward the direction of the sound.

It turned out that Jack had landed in the pantry, which was good, because no one was in there.

"Jack? You arite?" Orlagh asked.

"Oh, yes, just fabulous," he said, getting up and brushing himself off.

"LIZZIE!" he exclaimed when he saw Elizabeth.

"Hello, Jack," she said.

"We were just talking about the whereabouts of Barbossa and Piper and Filly," I said, "Among other stuff."

"Ah, yes," Jack said, moving over to me and Orlagh. He draped his arms around our shoulders and said, "I'm thinkin' we'd need to commandeer us a ship, eh, loves?"

"Steal a ship?" Elizabeth said from behind us.

"Commandeer," Orlagh and I said, "_Commandeer_. Nautical term."

"Oh, yes, of course," Elizabeth said.

"Yeah, but," Orlagh said, "won't it be a little bit difficult in these dresses, don'cha think?"

"Mm," I said, looking pointedly at Elizabeth, "We should change."

"Come on upstairs, then," Elizabeth said, beckoning us towards the door.

"Jack, you stay here, right?" I told him.

"Whatever you say, darling," he said.

I rolled my eyes as we walked out the door.

We went up the stairs to Elizabeth's room.

She took a trunk out from under her bed.

"Here are some of my old clothes," she said, "Just do whatever you want with them, I don't care."

We opened the trunk to find some of the ponciest clothes we had ever seen.

Big flowery dresses.

I rooted through it, trying to find something suitable.

And then I found it.

This fabulous, deep blue lacy corset detail dress.

"Oh, I never wore that one," Elizabeth told me, "It seemed a bit... seedy, to me. There's another one in there, a red one I think."

I grabbed the blue dress and the scissors that was lying on Elizabeth's dressing table and cut the skirt of the dress to knee length.

I knew that Lizzie would find it immoral looking, but whatever, who cares what she thinks?

Orlagh used the red dress, and she cut hers to knee length too.

Then Elizabeth produced a trunk of shoes, fabulous poncy shoes!

Orlagh was lucky, she found a pair of heels in the perfect red.

I found a pair of ankle boots in black, with heels too, so that's what I used.

Holly couldn't find anything that she was happy with, so she stuck with her green dress and bonnet.

After we'd dressed in our new attire, Orlagh and I inspected ourselves in the mirror.

We looked fab, in our knee length dresses and thigh high stockings, with our heels to match.

I let my hair down and it curled nicely.

Elizabeth had dressed in the same outfit she had worn in _DMC_.

So we set off back downstairs to the pantry where Jack was waiting.

"Well," Jack said when he saw me and Orlagh, "Not _exactly_ pirate attire, but I'm happy."

We snuck down to the harbour, Jack scanning it to find a suitable ship to commandeer.

And we found a fabulous abandoned one, called _The Diamond Star._

We were on our way.


	4. Chapter 4: Sluts with Swords!

**Chapter Four**

**Sluts With Swords!**

I let Jack assume Captain's position. He was much better than I would be, anyway.

Especially since I don't know anything about ships.

"Jack, I meant to ask you," I said, walking up to the stern deck, "Did you get that compass back?"

"Aye, love," he said, standing at the wheel, looking all cool, "Not doing me much good though."

"How's that?"

"Well, I don't know if finding the _Pearl_ is all I want right now. Here," he said, handing the compass to me, "Why don't _you_ hold on to it for a while, and what it is you want?"

I knew what he was thinking.

See if it pointed to him, or what.

I took the compass from him and said, "Yeah, okay. I'll look after it."

I walked down to Orlagh, who was looking over the rail.

"Hiya," I said.

"Hi."

"Whatcha doing?"

"Looking at sea."

"Riight."

"What?"

"You're thinking about Will, aren't you?"

"No."

"Yeah you are."

"No, I am not."

"You are."

"How do you know?"

"I don't and that's the point."

I opened the compass and the needle swung around a couple of times before landing on Jack, looking all hot at the wheel.

Then it swung round a couple of hundred times before I shut it closed.

I opened it again, and it swung around and round, like it couldn't decide.

Weird.

"Is that Jack's compass?" Orlagh asked, leaning in to see.

"Yeah," I said and shook it, "I think it's broke."

"How?"

"It can't decide where to point."

"Maybe it's not broke, maybe you just don't know what you want."

"Nooo. I want Jack. You and I and nearly everyone knows that. So it's banjaxed."

"Here, give it here."

Orlagh took it from me, and it pointed east.

"You want to go south," I said, "That must be where Will is!"

"Oi! Jack!" I yelled up to him.

"Aye?"

"Where we headed?"

"Tortuga!"

"Tortuga?" Orlagh yelled

"Tortuga?" Holly said.

"Not Tortuga!" Elizabeth said.

"Aye," I said to her, "Tortuga."

Tortuga has got to be the dirtiest, smelliest, funnest town in the whole Caribbean.

When we got there, it must've been about ten o'clock.

There was violence, drink and girls everywhere.

"Well, love," Jack said, slipping his hand around my waist again (this time is stayed there), "This is Tortuga. What do you think?"

"If every town in the world was like this one, no man would _ever _feel unwanted?"

"Correct," he said, looking around, "Now..."

Then I caught sight of someone we _really _needed to avoid.

Actually, two people.

"Jack," I said, "Jack, you'd want to let go of my waist and turn around. _Now_."

"What? Why?"

"Oh my God," Orlagh said, catching sight of them, "Er, Jack, S and G stage left!!!!"

"S and G?"

"Well, well, look who it is!" Giselle said, walking up to Jack, "Jack Sparrow. How are you, darling?"

"Giselle!" Jack said, letting go of my waist, "Never better. Well, you're just looking ravishing, aren't you?"

"Jack!" Scarlett called from behind her, "Don't forget me now."

"Scarlett! Hehahahaha," he said, as they looked at us four girls.

"And who are these lovely lasses, hm?" Giselle asked.

Jack turned to us.

"Well, er..." he said.

"Oh, well, I'm his sister," I said, "Gabrielle. Nice to meet you... Giselle, ain't it?"

"Yeah," she said, cocking an eyebrow at my clothes.

"These others are just my mates," I said, motioning to the other three girls, "Jack was just dropping us off... we'll be in the tavern, 'kay?"

I led the other girls away from Scarlett and Giselle.

We all looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Oh, my God," Orlagh said, "That was _so _awkward!"

"He's gonna get a right beating," I said, looking past Elizabeth to Jack, who was talking to Scarlett and Giselle.

"Is he?" Elizabeth said, looking back too.

"Well, he'd better," Orlagh said, "We don't have time to wait around for him to get shagged."

I looked at her threateningly.

"Not that he will, maybe," she said reassuringly, "It's probably- probably just- Elizabeth! Get some rum, please!"

She scampered off inside the Faithful Bride tavern.

As we watched Jack flirting with Gis and Scarly, I felt the 'cold stab of jealousy' and decided not to watch _Moulin Rouge _any more because I have started to spout it.

I knew I shouldn't be jealous, and duh, I knew nothing was going to happen. But if something _did _happen, between me and Jack that is, that it would never be serious.

I'd just go back to my time and think, "_Listen, girl. You are the luckiest chick here. You had a thing with Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp, aka The Hottest Man on the Planet. So don't you dare say that everyone has better thighs than you. Because you are luckier than ANY of them._"

Which would, maybe, be true.

Besides, I can still reminisce on the fact that he did snog me, and fabulously.

Anyway, Elizabeth came back outside with three bottles of rum.

"What about me?" Holly said as Elizabeth handed me and Orlagh a bottle each.

"You don't get any," Orlagh said, uncorking her bottle.

"Why?"

"You're a whelp and a twat, remember?" I told her.

"Oh yeah... what?"

And just then we wintessed a legendary scene.

Jack, in mid-flirt being slapped by both Scarlett and Giselle.

Not simultaneously, thank God, because that would hurt bad.

Anyway, they stalked off, as they do, and Jack came over to us, rubbing his jaw.

I took my first swig of rum there and then.

Christ it was strong.

"Rum!" Jack exclaimed, looking at me, Orlagh and Liz's bottles, "None for me?"

I thrust my bottle at him.

"We'll share it," I said.

"Not happening," he said before taking a swig.

"Tch. Typico," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Where are we going, and are we there yet?" Holly whined.

"Going to find Gibbs?" Orlagh suggested.

"Spot on, Yunny," Jack said, and she smiled proudly. Good for her.

Anyway, Gibbs was in only one place and one place only.

Wallowing with the pigs, of course.

Cue water splash!

"Aaah!!!" Gibbs yelled.

Then he saw who it was.

"Jack! Elizabeth!" he said, and got up, "So good to see ye!"

"I'd be glad to see you to, Gibbs, if you hadn't let my bloody sodding ship get away!" Jack shouted at him.

"Calm the hell down!" I said.

"Sorry."

"S'arite."

"Anyway," Jack continued, regaining his composure, "we had a little time travelling incident. But the point is _I'm_ back safe and sound! But, the _Pearl _is still out of my hands, so. Gather us up a crew!"

"Um... er," Gibbs said, eyeing the rum.

Jack rolled his eyes and tugged Elizabeth's rum out of her hand.

"Jaack!" she moaned (no not _that _way, you dirty fools).

"He needs it more than you do," Jack replied.

I smiled at the ground. Ha ha ha. Elizabeth had no rum.

"Come on," Jack said, leading us away from Gibbs, "We need somewhere to sleep for the night."

I found out then that not only was the Faithful Bride a tavern, but an inn too. This was something I didn't know, as you can tell.

"Two rooms, mate," Jack said and pushed some silver coins toward the man behind the counter.

He nodded and handed him two keys.

"What? But there's _five _of us," Holly, Resident Queen of Stating the Obivous said.

"You girls can share a bed, can't you?" he said, walking up the stairs of the inn.

"Or," he looked at me pointedly, "someone could share with _me._.."

"Not yet," I replied.

He led us down the hall to our rooms, the other three piling in before me, leaving just me and Jack in the hallway.

Now, being a new writer, I don't have a clue what Mary Sues are.

But I am assuming that they are really cheesy soppy romance stories concerning Jack and a girl called Mary Sue Something Something, because I have read the first chapter of _Revenge Is My Middle Name_, about all the Mary Sues that need to be killed and apparently they all have extremely long names.

Anyway, I hope this is not a very Mary Sue mo right here.

"Are you sure you don't want to join me, Velma?" Jack said, looking me with those brown puppy dog eyes (awww, MELT!), "Because I can get _very _lonely..."

"No, thanks, Jackie," I said, smiling, "No chance of a shag tonight, I'm afraid."

Er, coolness out the window. I sounded like myself.

EW!

Anyway, Jack looked trés disappointed and puppy doggish.

_Aw, you bitch_, I thought, _Go and give him a hug for Christ's sake._

I did better than that.

I just approached him slowly, wrapped my arms round his neck and kissed him softly, no tongues or wha.

He did that holdy-tight thing that he did before, when we were swirling through the Vortex of Terror (note to self; stop watching _Finding Nemo_), and I knew that he was going to go on to second base (not generally used in Ireland, but I know what it is), so I pulled away from him.

"Now, that don't mean we're an item, Captain Sparrow," I said, "That was just a pity snog."

He handed me the key to my (and Orlagh, Elizabeth and Holly's) room.

"Good enough for me."

"Night, Jack."

"Sweet dreams, love," he said and disappeared into his room.

I opened the door to mine and heard an, "Oh God! Ow! Ow, ow ow!" from behind the door.

I looked and saw Orlagh, Elizabeth and Holly sitting there, Elizabeth holding her nose.

"You alright Liz?"

"Yeah," she said muffled as she took her hand away from her nose. It wasn't bleeding. Sodding drama queen.

"What the frig were you doing?"

"Eavesdropping," Orlagh said simply.

"What's a shag?" Holly asked.

"Shut up," Orlagh said, "You gave him a pity snog?"

"Yeah," I said, throwing the key on the dressing table and sitting on the bed with the others.

"A pity snog?" Orlagh repeated.

"Yes... so?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"What _is _wrong with me?"

"Let's just say," she said, taking her shoes off, "if I was you, I would've did him there and then."

"That's sick."

"I know."

We sat in silence for about a minute.

"So," Elizabeth said, "what do you think about our situation? Where do you think Barbossa is?"

"Elizabeth, no offence," I said, shaking my hair out, "but you are the most boring conversationalist. I really don't want to talk about pirate business."

"Well, I thought a girl like you would love that," she said, sneering, "I heard your grandfather was Captain Chevalle?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, I just thought that you be more-"

"Listen WHO CARES if I'm not so much a bloody pirate as everyone else is? It doesn't BLOODY MATTER! What matters is- is- mnapple!"

They all looked at me strangely.

"That's my thing," Orlagh said.

"Right, sorry," I said, all huffy.

We sat in silence for a while, me all thick about nothing.

"You should've just did him," Orlagh said, breaking the silence, "It would be better for everyone."

I contemplated this for a second.

"Yeah, Yunjin is right," Elizabeth said (ugh, she was speaking again), "I mean, you've kissed him-"

"Twice," I said, holding up two fingers.

"Twice? Oh, right, well, _twice_," she continued, "So, really you should give in and let him- er, take you."

"But she's only-"

"_Shut up_, Gretchen."

I stayed awake all bloody night. That was two nights in a row, I think, and I was wrecked anyway.

So, naturally, I was the first one to hear Jack pounding at the door at like eight the next morning. Or something like that.

Before I answered the door, I raked my fingers through my hair, trying desperately to make it look even halfway decent.

Then I opened the door.

"Velma," Jack said, "Looking very stunning this morn, if I do say so myself. If a little tired. Anyway, get those girls up, would you?"

"Yeah, alright," I said, feeling a little bit groggy.

"Oy! Get up!"

That woke Orlagh and Elizabeth.

"M-morning," Elizabeth said.

"Why the shite are we up so early?" Orlagh moaned.

I shook Holly and narrowly missed getting hit in the face.

So I picked up the Bible from the bottom drawer of the dressing table (ironic, isn't it, a Bible in an inn in Tortuga) and threw it at her.

It hit her hand and she screamed.

"Owww! That was sooorre!"

"Get over it," I said, "Come on."

Jack lead us out of the inn (heh, out of the inn) and down to the harbour, where Gibbs was with the new crew.

It was like the scene from _CotBP _when Jack's inspecting all the crew and then Zoe Saldana comes up and is fabulous (yay Zoe! Whooooo! and so on).

Jack looked through the crew, who were all mad, and I was sooo expecting 'What's the benefit for us?' to come, but instead...

**Jack walks down the line, inspecting each new crew member, when he notices something strange about one of them.**

**Two of them, actually.**

**He grabs the brims of both their hats, pulls them off and-**

**CLARA**

**Holy shit.**

**ORLAGH**

**Holy shit!**

**ELIZABETH**

**Oh, no...**

**SLAP!**

**JACK**

**Oh, ow...**

**SLAP!**

**ORLAGH (TO JACK)**

**I bet this is like your worst nightmare come to life, isn't it?**

Giselle and Scarlett smiled sweetly, in their pirate attire.

They looked so convincing!

"We want on your ship," Giselle said to Jack, who was rubbing his jaw (again).

"Why?" Jack said in a whiny kind of voice.

"Because," Scarlett said, "everyone underestimates us!"

"Oh, Scarlett," Jack said, "of course they do."

Scarlett gave him a threatening look

"Except for me," Jack said, holding is hands up in apology, "It's just, most people haven't been on the recieving end of your - never mind, actually."

"Well, anyways," Scarlett said, flicking back her red hair, "we want on the ship coz we want to prove that we are more than just sluts."

"Yeah, we're sluts with swords!" Giselle said.

"Shut up," Scarlett said.

"Soo-ree!" Giselle said, rolling her eyes.

"Right, but before you assume anything," Jack said, draping his arm around my shoulders, "She is not my sister. Thank God."

"Then who is she?" Giselle asked, folding her arms across her chest.

"Captain Velma Mi Marie, pleased to meet you again," I said unenthusiastically.

"That's right," Jack said, "And I will be openly flirting with her, so don't... hit me."

Giselle held her hands up.

"You have our word, oh Captain!" she said, rolling her eyes and smiling at me.

This was the start of a beautiful friendship.


	5. Chapter 5: The Compass Points SOUTH!

**Hi you mad crazy voles out there! Yeah, next two chappys came in kind of a rush, but that's only because I want to get to a vair vair EXCLUSIVE chapter at the end, for a great mate of mine. It is from her POV. That chapter. Not this one. Or the next one. Okay, read on!**

**Chapter Five**

**The Compass Points SOUTH!**

It was so much fun. It was _so much _fun.

They are so funny.

They are.

Really.

All throughout the journey to nowhere, Scarlett and Giselle entertained myself and Orlagh with tales of Tortuga, rum, and most importantly...

"Jack Sparrow!" Giselle trilled, "Oh my God!"

"Oh, he's so... I don't know. When he wants to be, anyway. Otherwise he's a right cock," Scarlett said, playing with her hair.

"Oh, God, I hear that," I said, tossing my hair.

We were sitting in the dining room of the captain's quarters.

"He can be, you know, romantic when he wants to be," Giselle said, "There was this once, when he was in Tortuga, about I don't know... four years ago, or something and he came to see me and it was the middle of the night, but he left me this trail of clues and I met him at the beach and then-"

"You shagged him, is what you did," Scarlett finished for her.

"Well...yeah."

"Ah, but that was cute, you have to admit," Orlagh said.

I took out Jack's compass and started to play with it.

"Ohmigod, Vel, is that Jack's compass?" Giselle asked.

"Yeah," I said, opening it, "he told me to _look after it_. Pft."

"Well, let's see!" Scarlett said, taking the compass, "What do we want _most_?"

Scarlett shook the compass, and it pointed to the chocolates on the table.

"Obviously!" Giselle said and took it from her.

The needle swung round, and then stopped, pointing at the chest of drawers.

We ran over to it and opened the top drawer.

Giselle pulled out a slutty looking red and black lacy corset.

"Of course, of course!" she said, holding it up against her, "How do I look?"

"Here, here, give it here," I said, and Giselle handed me the compass.

The needle swung round and round and then pointed to the door.

"The door?" I said, "I want... the door."

"Check _behind _it, fool," Orlagh said.

And the girls followed me over to the door, which I opened sharply.

"OW!"

"Jack!" Giselle said, poking her head round it, "You nosy cock!"

"I wasn't _eavesdropping_, if that's what you think," Jack said, getting up, "I was simply looking for... dry rot."

"Yeah, yeah, sure," I said, "Oh, and how do you think this looks on Giselle?"

Giselle held the corset up to herself again.

We girls errupted in laughter.

"You nosy strumpets!" he said.

I stopped laughing abruptly.

"I was going to give you a snog or five tonight, but now I don't think I will," I said, folding my arms.

"Aw, typical," he said, and walked away from us.

"Here, I haven't had a go yet," Orlagh said.

I gave her the compass and the needle swung around for about twenty years.

Then it stopped, pointing south.

At the window.

"Okay, so you want the window?" I said, giggling, "I don't share your tastes, but if-"

"No! Shut up!" Orlagh said, giggling too.

She walked out of the room.

I looked at Scarlett and Giselle, and they shrugged so we followed her.

She walked up to the stern deck, and stood next to Jack by the wheel.

"We need to go south," I heard her say.

"Why?" Jack asked.

"Because I want to," she replied, "According to your compass."

"Show us," he said, "Aah. I see. Give it here."

She handed it to him.

"Mmhm," Jack said, nodding, "South it is!"

"Why _south_?" I wanted to know.

We were sitting on our own (well, with Holly) that evening in the dining room.

"I have no idea," Orlagh said, "Perhaps Will is south..."

"Orlagh."

"Yeah?"

"Orlagh?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Orlagh, oh my God!"

"What?!!"

"You haven't watched _Lost _for, like, two days now!"

"Oh my GOD! You're right! NOOO! My record is extinguished! What will I do?"

Orlagh looked very much tearful.

"Um," I said, "I know! We'll act out two whole episodes, just for you. And you be in them. And I'll be Jack."

"What about me?" Jack said, walking in at that moment.

"Nothing," I said, "Yunjin's just having a personal crisis."

"Oh, right."

Then he left.

Why did he just come in for no reason at all? Why was that???

Anyway.

"What episodes?" Orlagh asked.

"You pick," I said.

"Right...I pick_ Confidence Man _and _White Rabbit_," she said.

"Okay... let me just think how _Confidence M-_"

I was interrupted by a big shudder going through the ship.

"What was that?" Holly said.

"I have no idea," I said, "But we'd want to go and check it out..."

We ran up to the stern deck, where Elizabeth was staring out over the railing.

"Elizabeth!" I called, "What the frig is going on?"

"I don't know!" she replied, "But-"

Then the ship shook again.

"Aah!" I said, "Okay, I'm scared now!"

"JaACK!" Orlagh yelled, "What's going on?"

"Ye'd want to hold on to something loves," he shouted back, "And hold on _tight_!"

Then we looked out towards the sea.

And we saw it.

Swirling there like... a blender.

A maelstrom.

A really big one.

And we were being sucked right into it.

"Oh my GOD!!!!!" I screamed, clutching on to the railing like my life depended on it. Well, it kind of did.

"THIS IS WORSE THAN THE WILD MOUSE IN TRAMÓR!!!!" Orlagh screamed.

"JAAAAACK!!!!! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU????" I screamed twice as loud.

Then I saw him, right next to Holly and Gibbs.

"VEL! WHERE ARE SCARLETT AND GISELLE??????" Orlagh screamed at me.

"I DON'T KNOW! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

I woke up with sand in my eyes.

I hate that, coz it take ages to get out.

I rubbed my eyes, my head feeling heavy.

"Vel! Velma! Wake up, wake _up_!"

It was Orlagh.

"Or- Yun, what's going on?" I said groggily.

"You are never ever ever ever _ever_ going to believe where we are!"

She sounded excited.

"Wake the others up, quickly!" she said, and set off waking up Holly (tough job, that).

"Gibbs," I said, poking him, "Gibbs. Wake up."

"Wha... wha?" he mumbled.

"We're somewhere and you're supposed to wake up."

"Mmm."

"Okay, have it your own way," I said. I looked up from him.

And my jaw dropped.

Again.

"Oh, my God," I said slowly, as they came running toward us, "Oh my _goddy God_."

"Who are they?"

"Where did they come from?"

A man took my hand, hauling me to my feet.

I would've fallen over, if it wasn't for the woman's hand on my back.

"You alright? Where did you come from?" he asked me.

"Are you here to rescue us?" the woman asked.

Then I recongised them, and realised why Orlagh was so excited.

I was so dumb.

How did I not know that Jack Shepherd and Kate Austen from _Lost _were hauling me to my feet, asking me if I was okay?

How did I not realise that???

I looked at the island, speechless, and there was their camp.

All of the tents, and the makeshift kitchen with all the Dharma Initiative food.

God.

I was living my best nightmare.

Hurrah.

"Are you here to rescue us?" Kate asked again.

"Uhh, what? No," I said, looking around, "Where's the ship?"

"Velma!"

I looked to my left.

Siobh and Irene were running toward me.

"Oh, my God, Gwen!" I said, and hugged her, "You're okay!"

Of course we had to stay in pirate mode, or else our cover would be blown.

If we let the _Lost _people know that we were twenty firsties, the _PotC _people would hate us for ever.

Because we lied, a lot.

And, soz Orlagh, Captain Jack Sparrow is WAAAY more important to me than Sayid Jarrah.

I just had to point that out.

"Wait... you know them?" Jack (Shepherd) asked Siobh and Irene.

"Yeah," Irene said, "They're our friends."

"Is this true?" Jack asked me, "Because they've been telling us a lot of crap about pirates since yesterday."

"Of course it's true," I said, "As for _crap about pirates_, you, sir, seem like a man of the land, so what would you know about piracy?"

"Look at their clothes!" I heard Claire Littleton say from a distance.

"Listen to me, where did you come from?" Jack (Shepherd) asked.

"Tortuga," I said, "We were sailing south. We hit a maelstrom and we obviously ended up here. And our ship's nowhere to be seen."

"What? A maelstrom?" Kate said, not understanding.

"Yes, a maelstrom," I said, "A maelstrom, a really powerful whirlpool."

"And where did you say you came from again?" Jack (Shepherd!) asked.

"Tortuga," I repeated.

"And what year were you born in?"

"Is that some of your business?"

"What's your name?"

"I am _Captain _Velma Mi Marie. You?"

"Jack Shepherd."

I nodded, not letting him know that I knew this already.

Speaking of Jack...

I looked around, trying to find him. Sparrow, I mean.

He was nowhere to be seen...

I ran over to Orlagh, who was chatting to Charlie Pace.

"Yunjin, Yunjin!" I said, grabbing her, "Have you seen Jack?"

"Well, there's a Jack over there..." Charlie told me.

"No! I mean Sparrow!"

"No, I haven't seen him," Orlagh said.

I turned away and put my hands over my face.

"Oh, shite. Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, _shite_!!!"

"Are you alright?" a voice said from behind me.

I turned around.

It was Sun, this Korean chick who was married to another Korean fool called Jin.

She was my favourite girl in _Lost_.

"I'm fine," I said, "I just... can't find someone."

"Well, maybe I can help," she said helpfully. God, she was so bloody friendly.

"Right... he's tanned, with dreadlocks, and is a pirate," I told her, not expecting a helpful answer.

"I think he went in that tent with Sayid," she said, pointing to a blue tent ahead of us.

"Thanks!" I said and ran off to it.

I looked in and there was Jack, alright, and Sayid and Barbossa.

Only Jack and Barbossa were handcuffed to a piece of fuselage.

"What the hell are you doing?" I found myself exclaiming.

"Velma! I knew you'd miss me!" Jack said delightedly.

"Who are _you_?" Sayid Jarrah asked me.

He was Iraqi, handsome.

He was my third biggest crush in the world.

After Jack (Sparrow, dammit!) and Johnny Depp.

And Jack and Johnny were pretty much merged, so I was standing in a tent with my two biggest crushes and a really ugly-ass pirate.

Dear God.

"I am Captain Velma Mi Marie and _what the frig _are you doing to them? And who are _you_?" I told him, making myself look stern.

"My name is Sayid Jarrah," Sayid Jarrah said. I was _so _expecting him to say "And I am a torturer" but he didn't.

Instead he said, "And I am trying to get some truthful answers out of these two!"

"Both of you, stop lying," I said to the two pirates.

"We're not. Well, _I'm _not," Jack said, "Don't know about him, though."

"What are your names?" Sayid asked them.

"Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Captain Baarbossa."

"He wants your first name too, Hector!" I said irritably, "I can assure you, Mr. Jarrah, that these two are completely legit pirates. Really. And I pray God that you are not a member of the East India Trading Company."

Jack nodded and smiled.

"_Pirates_?" Sayid repeated, "There are no pirates anymore. Not ones like these, anyway."

"Where are you from, Sayid Jarrah?" Jack asked.

"Iraq," Sayid answered, "Why?"

"Any pirates down Iraq?"

"No."

"Do you want to know the names of our ships?" I asked him.

"You mean you're one too?" Sayid said.

"Well, yes. I did say Captain Mi Marie, did I?"

"Fine. What are your ships?"

"Well," I said, "_My _ship is called the... _La Diamant Rouge_."

"Is that French?" Sayid asked.

"Yes," I said, "And these two are currently fighting over a magnificent ship called the _Black Pearl_."

"Aye!" Barbossa agreed, "Now let me go, ye whelp!"

"Really, Mr. Jarrah," I pleaded, "They're not going to harm you."

"How do I know that your not one of _them_?"

"Them?" I said, pretending to not know about the Others, "I have no bloody idea what you're on about."

"Fine," Sayid said, "I'll let them go."

"Thank you!"

"But," Sayid said in a whisper, "I'll be watching _you_."

WTF?!


	6. Chapter 6: It's Like Hell With Coconuts

**Chapter Six**

**It's Like Hell With Coconuts**

Nightfall came and the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 had made peace with the pirates. And my mates. And Scarlett and Giselle.

Orlagh was doing her best to attract Sawyer, who she has a MAJOR crush on, may I say.

And she's damn proud of it, too.

Anyway, I was telling Siobh and Irene about Tortuga, what it was _really _like, and also about me and Jack.

"I mean," I said to them as we sat beside a fire, "I don't want to get too caught up. Which is why I'm playing hard to get."

"Yeah," Siobh said, "Getting too caught up with Captain Jack Sparrow would be awkward. I mean, look at Giselle. She just had a fling with him, and she's a vicious as a... Rottweiler. Toward him, I mean."

"Listen, he obviously likes you," Irene said, "So why are you leading him on?"

"I just said why," I sighed, "I don't want to become one of those girls who have been had by Jack and then just got dropped back into the world like a piece of trash... and I am quoting John Locke, who is seven feet away from me. I am so sick. Sick with... frustration."

"And lurrve," Siobh added.

"Yeah, and lurrve."

"Hi, guys!"

"Oh, no."

Holly flopped down beside us.

"What are ya talking about?" she asked.

"Haemorrhoids," I said.

"What are they?" Holly asked.

"Shut up," I said.

"You're just angry because I'm getting on with Jack."

"Did you say you're getting it on with Jack?" Siobh said incredulously.

"No, I mean I'm being friends with him," Holly explained.

"Oh, thank God," Siobh said, relieved.

"I thought you really liked him," Holly said to me, "Why aren't you being friends with him?"

"Shut up, Holly. It's...complicated."

"How is it complicated? All you have to do is be nice to him."

"Holly! You obviously don't live in the real world! You live in Pretty Pink Marshmallow Nice Land. That is where you live. We live in the real world, and in the real world Jack Sparrow likes it when you play hard to get!" Siobh said, going a little psycho.

"Siobh, you are the bestest cousin I have," I said.

"God, I know."

"Hey, dudes," Orlagh said, sitting down next to Irene.

"Yo, Bob," I said, "Hows it going with Soy-Soy?"

"Don't call me Bob," she said, "And it's going... not great between me and Sawyer."

"Really? Why?" Irene asked.

"I don't think he's interested," Orlagh said sadly, "This is the one time I wish that he didn't like Sun."

"But he doesn't like Sun," Irene said, "He likes Kate."

"Irene," Orlagh said angrily, "That is the worst possible answer you could possibly give to me in a situation like this!"

"Yeah, _Irene_," Holly said.

"Shut up, Holly," Orlagh said quietly.

All of the crew of the _Black Pearl _and the _Diamond Star_ had to sleep on the beach, since there weren't enough tents to house us.

Except for Scarlett and Giselle, who had both taken a shine to Desmond (Scarlett) and Charlie (Giselle).

Charlie had said to Giselle, "You know, you look a bit like my sister in law."

And she took it as a compliment.

So they had packed off to their tents.

I had decided to sleep tonight, because I was soooo knackered after the day.

I couldn't help wondering where Will was, though...

Anyway.

Jack and I hadn't talked that much since we got to the island.

So I was upset.

Because it was fun to talk to Jack.

Because Jack is fun.

Enough said.

Anyways, since the pity snog incident, I think Jack was a lot more... what's the word.

Impotent towards me.

No, not impotent.

Impatient.

That'll do.

He was a lot more impatient with me, because I wouldn't give in to him.

Well, I'm sorry if I want to be safe!

Really. The cock.

If I talked to John Locke about this, which I wouldn't, not in a million years, not if he was the second last male on the planet, he would probably tell me to take a leap of faith. To trust Jack _not _to rip my heart out and feed it to Hannibal Lecter.

And he would be talking utter bollocks, as usual.

Anyway, it always takes me longer to go to sleep than anyone else, so I was lying in the sand, between Siobh and Orlagh and I decided to have a look at the old compass.

Just to really see if I wanted Jack or if I wanted Sayid.

Just for the craic of it.

So the needle swung round, naturally, and swung round again and again, till it pointed to the southeast.

I looked to the southeast.

It was leading me into the jungle.

Oooooh! Freaky-deaky!

I realised that it was _so _not smart to wander off into the jungle by oneself, but who cares, because I am not smart so I could be excused just in case Jack (Shepherd!) went psycho on me for sneaking of in the mid of the night.

"But Doctor Shepherd, I didn't know any better!"

Ha ha ha, yes, that would work fine.

So, suddenly having heaps of energy, I bounced off into the jungle, following the compass.

"_You all everybody! You all everybody! Acting like your stupid people, wearin' expensive clooothes_," I sang as I followed the compass.

I looked up.

I'd only been walking for something like ten minutes, and I seemed to be in the heart of the jungle.

"Jack, you had better not be behind me, ready to grab my waist or whatever," I whispered, feeling a bit scared.

I took a few steps backwards, looking down at the compass.

It was pointing north.

Huh.

I thought it didn't point north.

Well, I didn't know anything about compasses, so.

I looked up--

And _screamed._

Because (and I don't want to over dramaticise this, now) Jack (SPARROW!) was in the direction of north, alright.

But he was _hanging from a tree_, dead!

No, wait... was he?

Hadn't this happened before?

To Charlie...

"Velma! Velma!"

I turned around.

Thank God, Jack (SHEPHERD) and Sayid had come to save the day!

"Jack!" I said, pointing to the tree, "_Jaack_!"

"Oh my God!" Jack said, "Come on, we've gotta cut him down!"

"How?" I asked.

Jack handed me his pocket knife.

"Here," Jack said, "I need you to climb up to him, cut the vines, okay? Can you do that?"

"Yeah. Yeah!" I said, proceeding to the tree.

I climbed up it, my high heels slipping on the wet wood.

I got as near as I could to him, and reached over to cut the vines.

I could barely reach over there, and then I realised something.

I was like Kate! Eww...

And then I remembered what episode of _Lost_ this had been in...

_All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues_!

I so I reached over and grabbed the vines, the knife still in my hand.

Christ, they were heavy, especially with a full grown pirate on the end of them.

Now! Back to Tragedyville!

I sawed manically at the vines, and after ten minutes, I had cut them apart.

"Great, Velma!" Jack called up to me, after catching the other Jack (who is a million billion times hotter than _Shepherd_), "Now come down."

I climbed down as fast as I could.

I could hear, "Jack! Sayid!" in the distance.

Aw, crappy.

Kate.

She ran up in her little kaftan and combats and said, "What's going on?"

"It's Jack," Jack said, "I think the Others hung him up."

"Like they did Charlie?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," Jack said, "Just like Charlie."

"Well, hurry the hell up!" I yelled, "You don't want him to _die_, do you?!"

So Jack started to press down on Jack's heart, trying to revive him.

"Come on, Jack, you can do this!" I said.

"I don't need motivation," Jack said.

"I'm not talking to you!"

Sayid and Kate were just sitting there, doing nothing.

I was holding in a personal meltdown by biting my tongue until it bled.

If I had let rip, then there would be screaming, crying and lots of, "Come on, Jack! Please wake up! I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU! I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you!!!!"

And if things went that way, Jack would wake up and I'd be all tearful like, "Oh, Jack, come here, I love you and I'll never let you go!"

And Jack would be all, "I love you too..."

And _then _things might go _Moulin Rouge _and he'd be on the verge of dying and he'd go, "Write our story Velma... you have so much to give..."

Would _that _be Mary Sue?

Anyway.

Jack was still pressing down on Jack's chest, going, "Come on, Jack, breathe... breathe..."

And I couldn't help but think, _He'd better not start calling him 'baby'..._

"He's going to be okay," Kate said, putting a hand on my back, "Really. He'll be fine."

I felt like hitting her.

Why?

A) Because she was touching me.

B) Because she was speaking at me. No, not _to _me. _At _me.

"Come on Jack, please," I whispered, hugging my knees and biting my lip.

"Breathe Jack... breathe!"

Then suddenly--

Well, you can guess.

Jack gasped, coming to life!

Awwlllright!

He coughed a lot for the first few seconds.

Then I reached over and hugged him.

"Jack, I was worried about you," I said.

"Wait... oh bugger," he said, pulling me out to face him, "Yunjin!"

"What? What about Yunjin?" I asked, confused.

"Yunjin... she's gone!"

"That's not possible," I kept saying as me, Sayid and Jack (Sparrow, dudes) walked back to the beach, "She was sleeping _right next _to me, I would've noticed!"

"Well, I keep telling you, love," Jack said, for the millionth time, "I saw her out in the middle of the jungle... then the next thing I know, she's being dragged off into the darkness and _I'm _being hit over the head. And hanged, as it seems."

"And may I ask what _you _were doing out in the jungle, Jack?" Sayid asked.

"Exploring, naturally," Jack answered, shrugging.

"It's in his nature," I said, "Well, we've got to get her back. Somehow."

"Yes, but things might turn out for the worst..."

"Sayid! Stop being depressing! This is my _best friend_ and first mate we're talking about here!"

"And there's me thinking diamonds were a girl's best friend..." Jack said, looking up into a tree.

God, why was everyone suddenly spouting _Moulin Rouge_????  
"Well, they are, in a manner of speaking," I said irritably, "But not right now!"

We had come back to the beach where Siobh ran up to me.

"Vel!" she said, all panicky, "Yunjin's gone!"

"I know!" I said, all angry, "God, what is it with this place? Why does everyone always go missing???"

"Where are Jack and Kate?" Irene asked.

"Well, I'm here."

"No! She doesn't mean you! They're gone... wait, where are they gone?"

"They are gone to see if the Others have left a trail after them," Sayid finished for me.

"Like when me and Claire were dragged off into the middle of nowhere?" Charlie asked, coming up to us.

It seemed the whole camp knew about this already.

"Yes, like that," Sayid said.

"So this is what you get when you mix _PotC_, _Lost _and two over obsessed fangirls," Siobh whispered to me.

"So, you guys have no electricity or whatever?"

"No, Hurley," I sighed, "No we do not."

"And you, like, pillage and stuff?"

"Yes. That's what pirates do."

"Cool. So have you ever been in, like, a pirate battle?"

"No, I have not."

"Have you ever seen one?"

"You know, I think Jack's calling me," I said and got up from where I was sitting with Hurley, by a rock pool.

I walked up to Jack, who was lying in the sand.

"I'd kill for some rum," he said, looking up at me.

"Same here," I said, sitting down next to him.

"All they've got 'ere is bloody wine," he said, "Can't stand wine, me."

"Oh, Jack," I said, then lying down, "What is it with you and getting trapped on weird islands?"

"How do you-"

"Stories, honey, stories," I explained, "Far too many stories."

"Don't your feet hurt?" he asked me.

At first I didn't know what he was talking about.

Then I looked at my feet.

"Yes, they are in total agony," I said, telling the truth. I was so sick of wearing heels.

"Argh!" I continued, "I am so sick of being stuck on this freakish island!"

"It's not as bad as the Locker, though," Jack told me.

"Oh, yeah, I heard about that," I said, half-truthfully.

"At least there's women here," Jack continued.

I hit him playfully.

"You are such a slut," I said.

"Better than a eunuch," he said.

"Jack! Velma!"

We got up.

I brushed the sand of my dress.

It was just Charlie.

"Jack wants you," he told us, "I mean, the other Jack. Not you. He- he's in there."

Charlie pointed us towards a tent were we could see Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Sayid talking.

We walked up to it.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"We're going to go rescue your friend," Jack (SHEPHERD!!!) said, "And you're going to come with us."

"What?" we both said.

"I don't really think that-" I said.

"Really, there's no need for-" Jack said, at the same time.

"Nope," Jack (Shepherd) said, "I don't want any objections. You're coming. That's it. You got yourselves into this mess, and you're gonna get yourselves out of it."

He walked off, indicating for us to follow him.

"Don't sweat it, Mulan," Sawyer said, "You're probably one of the few that ain't psyched to go on a little hike to Dangerville with Doctor Jack. Consider yourself special."

He pushed a gun into my hand and walked off behind Jack.

Kate gave me a small smile and walked off ahead of me.

I hated it that she was so nice to me!

WHYYYY?!

We walked along in the jungle for a bit, and Sayid must've noticed that I was walking awkwardly because of my beyond sore feet.

"You'd want to do something about those shoes," he said.

I stopped dead.

"You're right," I said.

I looked around me and saw a small, shallow pool of water about a metre away from me.

I took my shoes off and threw each one into the pool.

They landed with a satisfactory splash.

"Good riddance," I said, walking on beside Sayid.

"You know, it would've been better to keep 'em on," Jack (Shepherd) said, "Your feet are gonna get cut bad now."

"Jack, have you ever worn high heels before?"

"No, and I don't intend to."

"No, not you, I mean- okay look," I said, stopping again.

They all turned around to look at me.

"From now on, to save confusion, _you_-"

I pointed at Jack Sparrow.

"-are going to be Jack. And _you_-"

I pointed to Jack Shepherd.

"-are going to be Shepherd. Clear? Anyways, Shepherd, have you ever worn high heels before?"

"Nope."

"Then you would not understand the unimaginable pain that I was suffering under, m'kay?"

We walked along in silence for a long few minutes.

I was _beyond _pissed right now.

I was... _supremely pissed._

I had stayed quiet for about an hour now.

That _never _happens to me.

Even during _PotC_.

Shepherd was talking some crap about heading east or west before the sun went down and Jack said that it would be simpler just to use his compass.

"What compass?" Shepherd had asked.

"This one," Jack said, "It's _very _unique. It points to the thing you want most in this world."

"Well, then, give it to Velma," Sayid suggested, "It should lead us straight to the Others."

Jack handed me the compass, and I opened it.

Now, I may not have pointed out that I was in a tug-of-war between Jack and Sayid.

This probably because I wasn't.

Nevertheless, the compass' arrow kept swinging from Jack to Sayid and back and forth again!

So friggin' annoying.

"It's not working, Jack," I said, shaking it.

Jack nodded wisely.

"Ah," he said, "Then _you _don't know what you want."

I handed it back to him, and he opened it.

He stared at it for a second, then pressed his lips together.

"Not working for me, neither," he said, "Anyone else want a go?"

Sawyer took it.

"It's pointin' back to the beach," he said.

"Typico," I said, "You want Su- er, some... beer. Give it to Shepherd."

"Er, I don't think that's right," he said, going slightly pink.

I _knew _it was pointing to Kate!

"Me neither," Kate said, when she took it.

"Come on, Omar," Sawyer said, "You're our only hope."

He took it from Kate, and opened it.

He immediately started to walk in the direction of the southeast, and we all followed him eagerly.

The directions kept changing, yet Sayid kept walking.

And we kept following.

It was about fifteen minutes later, and Sayid had led us all the way into the jungle, right too--

The _Black Rock_.

Jack set eyes on it and gasped.

"That's some mighty fine boat- ship," he said, looking up at it curiously.

"Sayid," I said, walking up to him, "Give it to Sawyer."

"Why? He want's to go back to the-"

"Trust me. Give it to Sawyer."

He handed it to Sawyer, who opened it and lead us into the _Black Rock_.

It was pitch dark in there, but luckily Shepherd had brought along a flashlight.

I was about to say, "Oh, phew, a flashlight!"

But then I remembered that I wasn't supposed to know what they were.

And under no circumstances would I say the word 'phew' out loud.

Anyways.

I found myself fascinated by the _Rock_ (believe me, under normal circumstances I would be like, yeah whatever) and I was just staring at it in silence for a small while.

Then I felt someone grab my arm.

I was about to scream when I saw that it was just Sayid.

"This way," he said. Ohh, melllttt.

How nice was he?

But, and not to make this sound cheesy, but I saw Jack just look behind him with a little scowl on his face when he saw that Sayid was holding my arm.

God, that better not sound cheesy.

Really.

It had better not.

"Here!" I heard Sawyer call eventually.

Awwlllriiight!!!!

I caught up to him and saw that the flashlight was shining down on a pale, unconcious Orlagh.

Shepherd was bending down to check her pulse (she is going to puke at me saying that).

"She okay?" I asked, nervous.

"Yeah, she's fine," he answered, "Someone's gotta haul her outta here."

"I vote Sawyer!" I said.

"Same," Jack said.

"Me too," Kate agreed. Shut up.

"Fine," Sawyer said, picking her up.

It was a good thing she was unconcious, because she would've died with joy at the sight of that anyways.

We made our way out of the _Black Rock_ and back to the beach.

It was after nightfall when we arrived.

"Jack," I said, as we sat down by the campfire, "I got you to thank for this, sweetie. Without that compass of yours we would've never found her."

"Just happy to oblige, love," he said.

I smiled at him, and crossed my legs, bringing myself closer to him.

_Hmmmm... _I thought, _Is _now_ the right time to melt off? Is it? Christ I better have not picked the wrong time. If I did I will strangle myself with my own stocking. I swear-_

_Oh for Christ's sake, just get on with the show, girl! It won't hurt you, it won't hurt him... For God's sake, he's probably inwardly gagging for it!_

So I kissed him.

Nope, not snogged him.

But kissed him.

Hard.

But not too hard.

But not perfect, neither.

Of course, he contributed to it.

We broke apart, right, and he goes, "So... you've finally given in?"

And I said, "I suppose so."

"Right, good... coz I was sick of waiting round for you," he said.

He pulled me in (Christ I love it when he does that) and swept my hair behind my ear and was _THIS CLOSE _to snogging me again when---

CRASH!

CRASH!

CRASH!

We looked up, wide eyed, to the jungle.

Oh, that bloody smoke monster ruins EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh, my God!"

"What it _it _again?"

"I hope nobody was in there!"

Then Shepherd ran out from his tent, followed by Orlagh who was pale and wrapped in a blanket.

"What the bloody 'ell was that?" Jack asked me.

"Ohh, I don't know!" I moaned.

All the survivors (and the crews of the _BP _and _DS_) gathered around Shepherd who was probably about to give one of his legendary 'Live Together, Die Alone' speeches.

So Jack and I decided to join them.

"Jack! Jack! What are we gonna do?" they were all shouting.

"I'll tell ya what we're gonna do," Shepherd said, "We're gonna go out to this jungle and we are gonna settle it with these Others once and for all. Sawyer, we're gonna need guns, and plenty of 'em. Sayid, Jack, Kate, Jin, you with the beard-"

"BAARBOSSA!"

"-yeah, Barbossa, Charlie and Velma, you're comin'-"

"NO!"

Everyone turned to look at me.

Good, coz I was PISSED and I wanted some freakin' ATTENTION!

"Wha- what?" Shepherd said incredulously, "No?"

"Yeah, that's right!" I shouted, standing up on one of the logs by the fire, "No! No, absolutely not!"

"Why?"

"Oh, you wanna know why? Then Imma tell you _why_, Doctor Shepherd! I am _sick _and _tired _of all these _tragedies_ all over this freakin' island! First, _we _get here. Tragedy! Then, Jack gets _hanged _out in the middle of the jungle! _Tragedy_! And THEN Yunjin goes missing! Trage-freakin'-dy! I _hate _it here! It's so depressing! And all these bloody ADVENTURES! CHRIST! Maybe if you left well enough ALONE them Others wouldn't be bothering you so friggin' much! God!

And, by the way, who the HELL made you leader, huh? YOU ARE A FREAKIN' DOCTOR!!!!!!!! Yeah, you can save everyone, but that don't make you the boss of everyone!

So, NO, I am not coming on your little adventure trek, because I am going to go away and think of a way to get myself HOME!"

I stomped away, angry as hell.

Then I turned around.

"And nobody DARE follow me! I HATE THIS PLACE!!!! IT'S LIKE HELL WITH COCONUTS! ARRRGGGG!!!!!!!!!"


	7. Chapter 7: Cold Romance, Sea Urchin

**Chapter Seven**

**Cold Romance, Sea Urchin and Embarassing PMS-Type Incidents**

Jack went on the bloody adventure.

I was angry at him for it, actually, because what I was hoping was that after my bitch fit he would come and comfort me and... shit.

So, I was sitting on the beach, hugging my knees, as I do, and who comes to sit beside me but--

"Go away, Holly."

"Well, so-ree!" she said, all dramatically, "I just wanted to come to see if you were alright."

"Well, I am bloody peachy, thanks very mucho."

"You know, for a cousin, you are very mean to me."

I looked up at her. She looked all sad.

"Well, there's a reason for that."

"What's that?"

"Holly, you are someday gonna have to face facts," I said, looking up at her, "You happen to be a terribly annoying little shit brat of a girl that I can hardly stand sometimes."

"What about the times you can stand me?"

"Did I say sometimes? I meant _all _the time."

"Why, though?"

"You are always a horrible to _me _too... if I don't laugh at your shit little jokes you get all thick."

"Do not!"

"Do. Just, do me a favour and piss off, okay???"

And she just stomped off like she does all the time.

Brat.

Really.

So I sat there for another while, and it really was getting quite cold, and even though my dress had long sleeves I was bloody freezing.

And then an angel came to answer my prayer.

"Here, thought you might need this."

"Thanks, Charlie," I said, taking the blanket he was holding out to me.

He took this as an invitation to sit down beside me.

"You know," he said, "most people back at camp think you're a little bit coo-coo after your outburst."

"Good."

"Not me, though," he went on, "You said everything I've ever wanted to say back there."

"Really?" I said disbelievingly.

"Oh, yeah, definitely," Charlie told me.

"Oh, well... it just didn't occur to me that that was what was going on inside your head."

"What did you think was going on inside my head?"

"I don't know... musicy stuff, I guess?"

"Musicy stuff, yeah... and how to get off this bloody rock."

"Mm-hm? Any ideas?"

"No, no brilliant ones, not yet. We already built a raft, you know?"

"Did you?"

"Yeah, but it... got... exploded."

"Huh."

Of course I knew this already, but I had to pretend I didn't.

Wait... why was he talking to me?

"So, how's the pirate life?" Charlie asked me.

"I wouldn't really know," I said truthfully, "Haven't lived all that much of it."

"What do you mean?"

"To be quite honest with you, I'm a city girl at heart," I said, "Grew up in London. Moved to Jamaica when I was... eight. Only taste I got of the pirate life, really, was when I inheirited my father's ship. He was French. I never met him."

How did I make all that up?

"Ah, tough life," Charlie said, "I'm from Manchester, meself."

"Really? I've got...cousins in Manchester."

"Don't suppose I know them," Charlie said, "Us being from different centuries and all."

"Yeah, I suppose," I said, "Hey, do you have the time?"

"Er, yeah," he said and checked his watch, "It's...quarter to one."

"I wish they'd come back," I said, wrapping my blanky tighter around me.

"Oh, you mean the pirate guy," Charlie said, nodding, "You like him, yeah?"

"Heh, yeah," I said, smiling to myself.

I looked at him and started laughing softly (I have no idea myself, actually).

"What?"

"I don't know... side effects of a bitch fit, I suppose."

"Here," he said, getting up, "I'll walk you back to camp."

"Thanks."

We walked only about ten metres until we had reached the camp. Most people were asleep by now.

"Thanks, Charlie," I said, "'Night."

"Welcome. See you tomorrow."

I walked over to the tent that Orlagh was in and went inside.

"Hiya," she said, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Don't know... you just seem a bit bleugh."

"I don't know. I'm worried about Jack and all."

"Oh. So are things with you and him in full swing yet?"

"Yep."

"How?"

"I decided to... take a leap of faith."

"You sound like Locke."

"I know. Hey, you should be sleeping. You just got attacked by the Others."

"Ah, no, I'm fine."

"Orlagh..."

"Yeah?"

I took a deep breath.

"Do you remember anything?"

Orlagh shook her head.

"Nothing?"

"Nope. Blank."

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"D'you remember what happened _before_ you got taken?"

"You sound like Sayid... and, yeah, sort of. I saw Jack going off into the jungle by himself, so I decided to follow him, and I did and then he stopped by Sun's garden, and I was grabbed from behind. They put one of those hoods over my head."

"And did you take note of the weave?"

"Yeah... it was just like the one they put on Kate."

"Okay... will I sleep here tonight? Til Doctor Giggles gets back anyway?"

"Are you sure the other girls won't mind?"

"Oh, yeah... d'you know what, actually, they could sleep in here too!"

"Yeah, go get them."

I ran out to where Siobh, Irene and Holly were sleeping by the campfire's embers.

"Guys, guys!"

"Whaa?"

"Come on, we're all going to sleep in Orlagh's tent."

We woke up groggy in the morning.

Okay, well _I _did. And Orlagh did.

Mostly because we stayed up half the night talking.

But the upside of my groggy awakening was that _Sayid _woke me up from my groggy sleep.

"Jack would like to see Yunjin," he told me.

"Oh, great."

"Are you alright, Velma?" he asked, "You look tired. Pale. Maybe you should talk to-"

"I am fine, and under no circumstances am I getting treatment for not getting enough sleep in the past week from Spinalman."

"Fine," he said, "Would you like some brekfast?"

"Yeah... where's Jack? Sparrow, I mean?"

"Over there," Sayid sighed and pointed to the rockpools.

I walked over to him. He was sitting by himself, staring into space.

This was probably something that he did not do a lot.

"Hey, Jack," I said, sitting down beside him.

"Hello, love," he said, smiling.

Christ, he was fine.

"How did the thing with the Others go?" I asked.

"Complications arose, so the good doctor abandoned the situation," Jack replied, "Think your little speech might've got through to him."

"Interesting," I said.

"You look pale," he said.

"Why is everyone saying that?" I asked.

"Because it's true," Jack said.

_Oh, Christ, he's looking into your eyes! Stop staring back like a blind badger. Blink, woman!_

I blinked.

He looked away.

"Do you want something to eat?" I asked him.

"No, love, I'm fine."

"Jack... are you okay? You seem so distant," I said.

So he snogged me. Hmm.

"I'm fine," he said.

God, he was sounding like Drew from _Elizabethtown_.

Stop copying each other, you maniac pirates.

I went off to eat something, and just got an apple and an orange from the makeshift kitchen.

"Is everything alright with Jack?" Sayid asked, coming up behind me, "He seems... distant."

"That's what I said," I said, "but he insists he's fine. Sayid, did something happen last night?"

"There was a... nothing."

"_Sayid_," I said, coaxingly, "Whenever you say 'There was a... nothing' always, _always _means that there was a something."

"It was Jack," he said, "Your Jack. He froze up last night."

"He wha'?"

"Froze up," Sayid explained, "Went pale, silent, nervous. He was totally non-responsive. Jumped at every sound."

I nodded, not really understanding.

How could that happen to a person?

_Especially_ Captain Jack Sparrow.

I inhaled deeply.

Poor Jack.

"And... do you know why?" I asked.

"No. Do you?"

I shook my head.

But I think I kind of knew.

The rest of the day was quite dull.

I talked to the other girls, but the only one that asked about Jack was Siobh, so I told her.

"So, he just, like, went blank?" she asked after I told her what Sayid had said.

"Yeah! I'm so worried about him..."

"Well, you shouldn't be sitting here worrying about him! Go talk to him," she said, "For a nod is as good as a wink to a blind badger."

"What?"

"I don't even know."

So I went over to where Jack was sitting on the beach.

I sat down beside him, and smiled at him.

"Captain Sparrow, your eyes have lost their sparkly thing they used to have," I said the first thing that came into my head that was even halfway sane.

"What?"

"Er... never mind," I said, "Listen, Sayid told me what happened."

"What happened?"

"Last night," I said, "When you went on the trek with them. You kind of... froze up."

"Oh, bugger," he said, wincing, "How did I know he'd tell you that?"

"He didn't really _tell _telll me," I said, "I kind of... forced it out of him."

"You what?"

"He said that there was a nothing and you know very well that when someone says that there was a nothing that there always was a something, so _naturally _I interrogated him to see what the nothing slash something was!"

"Oh, right."

"Jack, you've not been yourself since you were... you know. Strung up. And-"

"-your _worried _about me," Jack said, "You were worried then too."

"Of course I was!"

"Why?" he asked me.

"What- what do you mean why?"

"Why were and are you so worried?" he asked, "We hardly know each other. So, you being worried about me is not very logical, love, for you don't know what I'm capable of, making it impossible for you to worry about me because you wouldn't know what to worry about, for you don't know what would put me in danger or what wouldn't, would you?"

I looked at him blankly.

"Ha?"

I didn't follow that at all.

"You have no reason to be worried," Jack said, as a final remark.

But I was desperate to... get through to him or something.

"Jack, it's just-"

"HOLY FUCK!!!!"

Our heads turned in to the direction of the screams.

"SHITE! SHITE SHITE SHITE SHITE _SHITE_!!!!!!!"

It was Siobh!

We ran over to her. She was sitting on the sand, holding her foot.

"Fuuuuuck!" she yelled.

"Gwen, what the hell is it?"

"Owwwww!"

"Yes, very informative answer!" Jack said.

"Urchin! Urchin!"

I looked to my left and jumped back.

Jin (the eigit Korean fella), was waving a sea urchin in my face.

"Urchin urchin!"

"She got stung by a sea urchin," I said to Jack, "Go get Jack!"

He looked blank.

"SHEPHERD!"

"Oh!"

Orlagh ran up to us with all the screams.

"What happened?"

"I GOT STUNG BY A BLEEDIN' SEA URCHIN!"

"Oh, God," Orlagh said, "Someone has to pee on her foot."

"WHAT?" Siobh and I chorused.

"Pee! Someone has to pee on Gwen's foot!"

"NO! NO NO! NO NO NO NO NO! MY FOOT IS NOT A URINAL!"

"What happened here?" Shepherd said, running up at that moment.

"SEA URCHIN!" Siobh screamed.

"Doesn't someone have to pee on it? Her foot?" Orlagh asked him.

"No, I can treat her," Shepherd said.

"Of _course _you can," Jack said, rolling his eyes.

They carted Siobh off to Shepherd's medically tent to be treated.

"JUST DON'T PISS ON IT!"

I was having the most awkward, worstest, bestest time of my life on that bleedin' island.

The awkward being made up of the facts that;

a) Jack was being a total ice cube. And not in that flirty kind of way.

b) Sayid is there. Being nice to me.

c) Everyone else besides my girlies think I am a psycho madness raving loony bin.

d) Except for Kate, who is being nice to me, which I hate.

The worstest being made up of the facts that;

a) Jack was being a bollocks.

b) Sayid was being an almost nearly minx.

c)The psycho raving madness thing again.

d) Siobh and Orlagh both had near death incidents.

e) Will was nowhere to be seen and Irene wouldn't SHUT THE HELL UP about him.

f) Holly wouldn't stop talking to me.

g) That place had the crappest toilet facilities.

h) The Kate thing again.

The bestest being made up of;

a) I was on official snog-a-rooney terms with Jack.

So, really, I was having the shitest time of it.

"I am so sick and bleedin' tired of this rock," Siobh said, speaking for us all.

"I like it here," Orlagh said (yeah, except for her, the _Lost _junkie), flicking her hair.

"I hate it here too," Irene said.

"Yeah! There's sand in my hair all the time," Holly pitched in.

"Pipe down, Mrs. Fussy Knickers," I said, sighing, "I am in serious emotional denial. I think."

"Jack still on ice cube bonanza duty?" Siobh asked.

"What?" the other three chorused.

"Tell them, please," I said, lying back on the sand, "I'm sick and tired of revisiting that horrible, horrible place."

So Siobh explained everything.

The all shared their opinions.

"You shouldn't have become Mystery Woman in the first place," Irene said.

"Be nice to him," Holly advised.

"You should've just shagged him when I told you to," Orlagh sighed.

I slapped both my hands over my face, biting my lip.

"Are you okay?" Orlagh asked.

"Mmmmmffff."

"She's in _severe _emotional denial," Siobh confirmed.

"Fank you," I said, all muffly.

"Do you want us to go talk to him?" Holly asked.

"No!" I said, unbiting my lip and taking my hands away from my face, "_Especially _not you, Fussy Knickers."

"Do you want us to go kick his ass for you, then?" Orlagh suggested.

"A lovely gesture, but no."

I was so bloody fatiguededized.

I felt faint, I looked pale, I wanted to sleep the whole day away.

And the whole Jack situation was making it worse, because I was still stressing out on what to do.

Okay, you must be _screaming _for me to do something about it, but I really didn't know.

I was only fourteen, for Christ's sake, and I wasn't exactly a friggin' expert on getting hot pirates to open up to me, thank you very much.

Anyway, after about two hours wasted on stressing about this, I realised that I was a prick not to already realise that there was only one man on this damned island who could help me.

"Sayid!"

_I can't believe you're doing this, _my brain told me as I walked up to Sayid, who was fixing something electrical and complicated, as per usual, _I cannot believe your're doing this! This is stupider than all the stupidest things you've done. How dare you go ask your third biggest crush in the world for advice on getting through to your first biggest crush. How. Very. Dare you._

"You're good at interrogating people, aren't you?" I asked him.

"Velma, you don't look well. Go see the doctor."

"I have bigger issues than my fatigueness! Now answer my goddamn question!"

"The answer to your question is yes, Velma. Though I don't understand why you asked it."

"That's total bull, because you know very well why I asked it. It's because of Jack. My- our Jack, I mean. He's gone all Mr Freeze towards me."

"Really?"

He sounded less than uninterested.

"Yeah, and I was wondering if you could help me in talking to him."

"Who're you talking about?" Charlie asked, coming up at that moment.

"Jack," Sayid told him.

"Oh, lawks a mercy," I sighed.

"What's up with him?" Charlie asked.

"He's not talking to her," Sayid explained, "Not talking to her, and also paying no attention to her, which she hates."

"Shut the fuck up, Sayid," I said.

"Have you tried talking to him about what happened in the jungle?"

"She has, but he's not opening up about that, either."

"I don't like you any more."

"Have you tried getting him drunk?"

"No, but she'll take it into consideration."

"Since when did you become my bloody personal assisant?" I asked Sayid.

"I have advice for you," Sayid said to me, "Approach him gently. Talk with him about the normal things you usually talk about. Don't force it out of him, coax it out of him."

"Okay. Thanks," I said, suprised.

"Now," Sayid said, getting up, "I would advise you to go see the doctor."

So I went to see Shepherd.

He shone a miniture torchlight in my eye, and shoved something inside my mouth, the usual doctor stuff.

Downpoint was I didn't get a lollipop.

Feck it, anyway.

"You need to sleep," he said to me, "You need a decent, good night's rest and some nourishment. I noticed you haven't been eating for the past few days, why's that?"

"I wasn't hungry," I replied simply.

"Well, you need to eat something, or else you're gonna faint," Shepherd advised me, "And take these pills with you. Put 'em in some juice."

"Oh, God, don't tell me these are sleeping pills!" I winced.

I never, _ever _wanted to take sleeping pills after what happened to Marilyn Monroe and that girl off _Fairly Shitty _(aka _Fair City_, a crap Irish soap that everyone watches anyway).

But now, I was being forced to.

"Yeah, they are, but you only need to take two," Shepherd said, "Now... go eat something, okay?"

I walked out of his tent, and over to the makeshift kitchen.

It was nearly sundown, and some people were setting up their campfires.

I saw Sawyer teaching Orlagh how to set up hers.

Aw, how bloody bleeding sweet.

I grabbed a bowl, some milk and the oatmeal and set about eating.

This is really weird because I cannot stand oatmeal under normal circumstances.

But I ate it like I hadn't eaten for days, which was true.

Anyway.

"_...and I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress... why don't you come on over, stop makin' a fool outta meeeee, why don'cha come on over VAAAALLERIE!!!!_"

Siobh came limpety limping up to me as I was eating my oatmeal, singing The Zuton's _Valerie_ at the top of her lungs.

"'Ello!" she said, sitting down next to me at the table, "Why in the name of Mojo Jojojo Joe's undies are you eating oatmeal?"

"Really, really hungry," I said.

"Right," she said, "Talk to J to the A to the C to the K to the Sex God yet?"

"Nope," I said, finishing up my oatmeal, "But I was just prescribed sleeping pills by Doctor Ponce de Poncey Man."

"_Nien_!"

"_Ja_!"

"Cool," Siobh said, "Don't you go overdosing now, missy."

"Why in the God would I do that?"

"No idea, midget," she replied, "Have you been talking to Elizabeth lately?"

"Nope. Not since... ages, anyway. Why?"

"She's going psycho-mondo. She wants to see Will, and pronto."

"Well, then, why doesn't she... you know, call him or something."

"I don't know, the crazy ponce. Bam, bam, bam, _never be looonnely, never be lonely... B-b-b-baby, I think I'm goin' c-c-c-crazy..._and all that jazz."

"You are truly mad."

"Jesus I know."

"Anyway, do you like anyone on the here?"

"On the here? On the here? What kind of English do you speak, girl?"

"You are avoiding my question and that means you like John Locke."

"That is balls of merde and you know very well that it is."

"Then who do you like?"

"Charlie, but he's _taken _by that Australian thing with the baby and the vaccine."

We sat in silence for a while, both of us just looking around at the other people.

"Ahahaha, that was good craic," Siobh said.

"T'was sure t'was."

"T'was."

"T'was."

"T'was, now."

We both sighed, both us cuzzies, bonding together over our fecked up love lives.

Oh, to be a floaty thing, floating around waiting for a decent boyfriend.

Oh, to be, to be.

Okay, that was a fairly crap attempt at trying to make this ridiculous tale in any way poetic.

Back to the story, chucks!

Then, as me and Siobhy Bo Biv were sighing away to ourselves, earning some odd looks, someone comes up behind me!

_Let it shine, oh let it shine!!! Let it shine oh, let it shine!_

"You free right now, love?" Jack (ohgodgodgodgodgoddd!) asked me.

"Er, yeah!" I said, glancing at Siobh in the way that us girlies glance at each other to ask the other one telepathically if they have oatmeal on their face.

Siobh nodded, giving me the all clear. No oatmeal. Good.

She also gave me a nod and a wink that obviously said, "_Someone's finally come around! Let us groove in celebration!_"

I bet when I left she had a little groove party to herself.

Good for her.

Anyway, so I left with Jack (yay), him leading the way through a bit of the jungle.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

"That, darling, is a suprise," he said.

Christ, he had cheered up.

We walked for about ten minutes more, and at the risk of this sounding terribly cheesy and wrong--

Jack lead me out onto a beach, not our beach, with a _huge _campfire on it.

I smiled at it (yes, I do need help).

I smiled at him.

He said, "I have been waiting for the opportune moment to talk, and right now is it."

"Yeah, okay."

I remember the beach as where Shannon (who is deceased) and Sayid shared their first kiss.

!!!ohmyGod!!!

Did Sayid tell him about the beach?

_Sayid_?

Yeah, okay, he probably did.

So?

That means he wants me to be with Jack.

YAY!

I mean, whatever.

We sat down beside the fire, at Jack looked right into my eyes.

I thought he was going to snog me, but instead he said, "Love, do you know what it feels like when your whole life just ends?"

"Er...," I said, "No."

"Didn't think so," Jack replied, nodding, "Well, everything just vanishes before your very eyes...everything you've worked so hard for...just gone. Taken by the one thing you've been trying to cheat your whole life... death takes everything away from you..."

Jack was just staring into the fire.

I felt sorry for him.

He was referring to the whole Kraken deal.

"...I don't want to go back there again," he said, looking at me now.

Oh God, I couldn't breath.

Why was he being all... intimate? I was not used to this! Help!

"I...can understand that," I said, "But..."

_Say something wise!_

_Something wise, woman!_

_Wise!_

"...it's not..living forever. It's-"

"-living with yourself forever?" Jack finished for me, "Of course. I can manage."

I laughed.

"So, the thing in the jungle... the freezing up thing... that was... It sort of took you back, didn't it?" I said, "I understand that, alright. Tell me something, Jack. Have you ever been _this close _to losing someone you really cared about?"

"No..."

"Well, I have. Twice. When you were strung up and... Listen. I felt like I was losing you when you got cold on me. You seemed so far away- it's- oh, God, how am I supposed to say this? Jack. I care about you. A lot. Even though this is not the most serious relationship in the world. I mean, I want you to be safe. And... and-"

The most embarassing thing ever was happening to me.

_Oh, God...oh God...Don't even go there, girl...I swear to God!_

My eyes were all welling up with the waterworks.

I am serious.

I was on the verge of a very dramatic crying/kissing scene, which I probably would have looked back on the next day and gotten sick over it.

But the thing here was...

WHY THE FUCK WAS I CRYING?

WHY?

EXPLAIN THAT TO ME???

Three words.

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.

God. Help. Us. All.

Anyway, Jack was all Jackish about it.

He snogged me.

He did.

_AwwwlllRIIGHT!_

That makes five snogs, right?

Right?

Yes!

Anywho.

He was all holding me and stuff... and tongues were involved in the situation...

And then--

_Then--_

I went and shat up the entire situation.

"Jack," I said, "Jack, I have to tell you something..."

"Mmm?" he said.

"I...am..._so _not a proper pirate."

"What?"

"I am not a proper pirate."

"What are you talking about, love?"

"I am talking about the actual fact that I must be the crappest pirate ever. Ever. Really."

"How's that?"

"Alright. I will tell you the sad, sad, _sad _truth..."

I decided to feed him the crap I told Charlie the other night after my bitch fit.

"...so I moved to Jamaica when I was eight and all of a sudden, when I hit seventeen, I get this great ship from my Dad, who I'd never met. So I decided to make use of the thing, to go out for a bit of adventure. And so I earned myself a piratic title. And a mad-as-hens crew."

"And how does this make you not a pirate, darling? Hm?"

"Well! B-because for one, I cannot swordfight and for two, I do not have a clue about ships."

Jack looked a bit shocked.

"But, d'you want to know something?" I said to him, "Isn't it really odd that Elizabeth, being a demure lady of society and all that shite, knows just _everything _about ships? Isn't that odd? Where in the world did she learn it?"

"That girl spent her whole childhood reading books, so no wonder," Jack replied.

"Yeah. Right. Okay," I said, sighing.

"Never mind not being a pirate, love," Jack told me, putting an arm around me(eee!), "I find that the women pirates are terribly arrogant and deluded and also very terminally annoying."

I hugged him.

"I am vair vair and vair and also very _trés_ lucky to be in your prescence, Captain Jack Sparrow," I said.

"Thank you for admitting that."


	8. Chapter 8: In the End You Will Obviously

**Chapter Eight**

**In the End, You Will Obviously Always and Most Definitely Be Saved... By the Mad**

"_We are Dreamgirls, boys, we'll make you happy...We are Dreamgirls, boys, we'll always caaaare...We are Dreamgirls, Dreamgirls will never leave you...And all you've got to do is dream, baby we'll be there!_" I sang as I happily skipped up the beach.

I earned some very strange looks, but I did not care because I was BEYOND happy dappy potatoes!

Happy dappy potatoes SUPREME!

YEAH!

Anyway, I had better explain...

Jack and I talked for not far off ages after that about total shite like Will and Elizabeth and how terminally sad they are.

After that, I said to Jack, "I have an idea. How about this; you can be my totally unofficial boyfriend?"

"And what's in it for me?"

"You are not tied down with a commitment. At all. And also it comes with a 24 hour snog pass."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really. Really."

"I am tempted to accept that..."

And so was born the most unofficial couple there ever was!

HUZZAH!

So Jack went back to the way he was before I 'gave in', you know, all flirty fandango.

HUZZAH, again there!

So anyway, as I got all my weird weird looks as I skipped up the beach singing like a joyful... nodding car dog, Siobh and Orlagh and Holly and Irene were up the beach, waving.

I waved back at them, changing my song.

This is a very signature song between me and my mates.

"_I've got the same jeans on for four days now, I'm gonna go to a disco in the middle of the town, everybody's dressing up, I'm dressing down... do do do do do do do!_"

And so forth!

"It was totally and completely sublimely brilliant, dudettes," I said after I had explained in great great detail my sublimely fab evening night thing with Jack. We were sitting in a little group on the beach.

"It _sounds _fabby bananas," Siobh sighed, "You are so very lucky, pal."

"I know."

"So you two aren't broken up?" Holly asked, sounding disappointed.

"Holly! Were you listening to a word I was saying? Hm? Were you? No. You were not. Because if you were, you would have grasped the fact that Jack and I were never going out. Because you do not go out with a pirate. You snog them within an inch of their life, is what you do."

She got all huffy.

But Orlagh, bestest pal and well reknowned Lostie, said, "Hear, hear! Weigh anchor, Captain's on deck, knickers to the lot of ya... and all that jazz!"

She is the bestest pal I could have. Hurrah hurrah for her!

Anyways, things seemed to have improved on both the Siobh/Charlie and the Orlagh/Sawyer front.

Orlagh and Sawyer had snogged a record of _eight _times the last night.

And Siobh and Charlie were on very strict flirt-only terms, but hey, it was a start!

So we sat on the beach, discussing our _dream _love lives that had actually come true!

It's amazing really, because you hope for something like this to happen virtually what seems like your whole life and then it happens and what do you do but gossip about it.

"Hi, girls!"

And then a big Keira Knightley comes up and ruins everything.

"Lizzybeth!" I said sarcastically, hopping up, "How _is _you, my matey?"

"Good," she said, sitting down beside Siobh, who grooved a little bit away from her, "Wow, I haven't spoken to you in _ages_."

"And I was hoping to keep it that way," I said under my breath.

"What was that?"

"Have you tried the Dharma Initiative risotto? It's simply sublime," I said.

We sat in silence for a while, me making a little hand-made sandcastle.

"Elizabeth," I asked her suddenly, "How is it you know so much pirate stuff, you being a lady of the sauce and all?"

"Well," she said, playing with her hair, "I read a lot of books when I was a child..."

"Yeah, I thought so," I said, getting up, "Would anyone like a pear, for I am heading to the pear department."

"I would like a pear from the pear department, please," Orlagh said.

Funny, she doesn't like pears.

Anyway, I set off to the pear department and was sorting out the bad pears from the good ones (I am very particular when it comes to my pears)when I heard someone shout, "What's that?"

What's what?

I saw a load of people pointing out toward the horizon.

I looked out towards it and dropped the pears.

"Boat!" I heard Sun, the Korean chick, shout.

What, is that like her catchphrase?

But all the same it was true...

There was not a boat, but a ship approaching the island!

Ohmigodohmigodohmigod!!!!!!

Jack came up behind me and said, "It seems young William has finally come to his senses and decided to rescue us and his lass, eh?"

It was deffo the _Flying Dutchyoke_ come to save us all.

But I noticed something- some_one_ standing atop one of the sails.

As the _FD _got closer, I saw that it was a girl, about my age, in proper pirate attire.

She was standing all Jack-like, like in when he came onto our screens for the first time, atop the sail of the _Jolly Mon_.

Why did I have this insane feeling I recognised her?

"Ohgoddygod!" Siobh squealed, running up to me, "We are all saved by Will! I knew he'd come through! I knew it in my heart and hat!"

But she didn't wear a hatl... oh well.

I watched totally wordless as everyone had a psycho attack around me.

They put down the anchor pretty close to the shore, and I could see Will waving from where he had climbed up on the mast.

"HI, WILL! WASSUP!" Siobh screamed like the pint-sized maniac she is.

Will's elderly mad crew came onto the island, including his daddio.

I must've looked all mad not to be acting mad as hen at that moment where we were all getting rescued.

I was just looking for that girl!

My head spun round and round like that wan from that movie as I looked for her.

Then - ta da - I found her!

We caught each other's eyes.

I kind of froze like a life-sized Mr Freeze.

She walked over to me.

"Hey," she said in her Dutch accent, "I'm Frederique. I'll be your rescuer this evening."

"Of COURSE you are!" I exclaimed, beaming, "OF COURSE YOU ARE! HOW in the name of RUM did I not guess that? HOW? Ahahahahaha!"

She looked kind of puzzled.

Ahahaha, wait til she found out who I was.

"Free, heggo, my name is Clara," I said, "Also known as SparrowAngelMusicBaby!!!!!"

Free beamed really widely.

"Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!" she laughed (it was a bit alarming, actually), "Ahahaha! Of COURSE YOU ARE! OHMYGOD! My e-pal! My mad leprachaun e-pal! HAHAHA!!!"

We hugged.

"But, here, listen," I said to her, "I have _THE MADDEST _story to tell you! Or maybe Will already told you, I don't know. But listen, whatever you do, do not call me Clara. Call me Velma, okay? It's a long and mad story."

Then I realised something very mad.

My voice--

It was all... _Irish _again.

"But- hold on," I said to Free, "Listen. I want you to meet someone... and you will positively _die _when you meet him."

I took Free by the hand and lead her over to our very own coveted Captain Jack Sparrow.

"Yeah, Jack? This is _Frederique_," I said in my British accent, "Free- yeah, you know who he is. Our very own Captain Jack Sparrow!!!!"

Free and I exchanged a very mad looking grin.

"Captain Jack Sparrow, what a _pleasure _to meet you at _last_," Free said, keeping her cool.

This was such a better first impression than I had given.

Really, you cannot have ever been more embarassing-looking than I was, in my nightdress and sick-looking face mask.

Orlagh approached us as Jack was openly flirting with Free.

"Heggo!" she said, smiling, "Who's this?"

"Orlagh, this is Frederique," I said, "You know Frederique. And Free, this is the legendary Orlagh."

"Orlagh, it is _soooo_ beyond bloody _brilliant _to meet you, love!" Free said, smiling.

"Yeah, it's really cool to meet you to, I heard a lot about you!"

"Orlagh," I said the way I do when I am about to go onto a delicate subject, "Have you... said goodbye to Sawyer yet?"

Orlagh looked all sad and shuffly.

"Nooope."

"Aw, don't worry, my pally. He'll be fine."

"Actually," Jack said, injecting himself into the conversation, "Are we _ever _going to leave this little spit of land, hm?"

Later, on the _Dutchman_, I was talking to Free.

"How did you get here?" I asked her.

"Well, here's what happened," she replied, "And this is probably the _maddest _story. Beyond mad, actually. So, it was raining like billio, and I decided to email you. You know, the way that we do. So. I typed up something like, _Hi Clara, any news, none here, Jack ROCKS! _and so forth, and I sent it... Then, after about something like 45 seconds later, I got an email back and I was thinking, "Cor, she's quick at typing." So I opened it and it said, _Clara cannot be reached at this time... but click on this link and you might be able to reach her then, right? _And I naturally clicked it, because it was a little picture of Jack and Will, so naturally I would click it, considering. And then _the WEIRDEST _thing ever happened... I got sucked into the computer screen! I swear! And I was like Wotsit in Wonderland... Alice. I was falling and falling and falling until CRASH! I woke up on, and _get this_, the _Flying Dutchman_! Amazing, right? Yeah! So I was like, "Where am I?" And Will was all like, "Are you alright?" and I said, "Ohgodohgodohgodohgoddygod!" And the crew got me a blanket, and weirdly enough, they're all nice enough blokes for mad pirates. And I said to Will, "Where are we going?" And then he explained that he ended up in some house in the twenty first century and he got sucked back here again and that he needed to go save Elizabeth."

I was there nodding along like a nodding dog.

"So, anyway, to conclude," Free said, "I went all piraticized with the clothes and stuff and it was _so bloody brilliant_, and then we came to save you and here we are."

"That is truly, _truly _madness," I said.

"Yeah, but not as mad as yours!" Free said to me, "Velma Mi Marie! Where ever did you come up with it?"

"First name in me head," I said in my British accent.

"And the whole snogging Jack fandango? That was so very amazing sounding!" she said, "I. Am. _Sooo_ jealous of you, mate!"

"I am also very jealous of myself," I said, "I have no _idea _how I managed it without turning into a giggling wreck. I really don't."

"You forgot to tell me something," Free said, "What's Elizabeth like in real life?"

"Elizabeth Swann. E_liz_abeth _Swann_. Elizabeth Swann is probably the most poncey, arrogant and quite terminally deluded person there was to ever walk the earth..." I said, "Before Holly, that is."

"Hi, guys!"

Speak of the devil.

"Holly, this is Free," I said unenthusiastically, "Free- Holly."

"Holly!" Free exclaimed, "You are to me a bucket full of whelk and frozen mackerel that I have been thrown into forcefully!"

"Okaay," Holly said, shaking Free's outstretched hand.

"That-makes-no-sense-at-all!" I said, laughing.

"It does, actually, when you think about it," Free said, all Wise Woman of the Forest.

Anyway, Holly was all not knowing anything, which is typico for her species, which is the very stupid and... thick.

I looked around and spotted Orlagh and Siobh and Orlagh was quietly sobbing.

I decided to go over to her, because that is what best pallies do.

"What's wrong?" I said to her, putting my arm around her.

"_Why in the name of arse did they think it was better to STAY on the sodding island_?" Orlagh choked out.

Oh, did I forget to mention that?

Shepherd, being all leaderish, said that it was better for them (the twentie-firstie survivors) to stay on the island than go on the _FD _with us.

He started talking some shite about how it was better because if he went with us they'd all just end up in the eighteenth century.

Obviously, Orlagh was _beyond _upset about leaving Sawyer behind.

"Why- why didn't he just come with us?" Orlagh kept saying between sobs. Poor poppet.

"Look," Free said, being wise again, "Leaving him there was the best thing, Orlagh. Because you know what he's like."

Orlagh just looked at her.

"Just imagine him surrounded by sheep," Free said.

Which made no sense at all.

"Yeah, he was a total... thing," Siobh said, "You're so much better off without him."

"No I'm not!"

"You are too," I said, "Because you are a pirate and he was not, and he will always long for you. But _you _however can go ahead and... do Will!"

Orlagh looked up.

"Yeah, Will would be much more... you know. Fun and stuff," Free said, "Come on, love. Will has a ship and what does Sawyer have? I'll tell ya what. _Nada_."

Orlagh nodded.

"Yeah," she said, wiping her eyes, "I'll give Sawyer a break. I'll try Will. Yeah."

"What about Will?" Jack asked, walking up just then.

"Yunjin's decided to forget about Sawyer," I said.

"Temporarily!"

"Temporarily," I continued, "She's going to give Will a go."

"That," Jack said, "is a totally pointless quest, loves. Will is totally besotted with that other wench. Nothing could seperate them."

"For someone as gorgeous and smart as yourself," Free said to him, "you truly do not know how to reassure someone, Jack."

"That is only true in some circles," Jack replied, "But that is just totally hopeless. Really."

"I hate Elizabeth _so much_," Orlagh said.

We all nodded in agreement.

The night came and we were sailing out in the middle of the South Pacific, still.

I wasn't sure if we were in twenty first century time or eighteenth century time.

I was sitting alone, looking out at the auld sea.

I was reminiscing on our whole journey.

Then I realised _how bloody bleeding typico _it was.

_PotC _people come to my house.

Yeah.

Jack likes me.

Yeah..

We go back to his time.

Yeah...

We go to Tortuga, and get a two rooms.

Mmm...

I snog him spontaneously, not giving in or wha'.

Hm.

_Then _we hit the maelstrom, landing on this beautiful island.

Right.

After a night or two or whatever I _give in to him_.

Yeah, okay.

After that, he gets cold on me.

Okay.

Then, he brings me to a fabby beach night thing.

Riiight.

We make up, and snog.

Eh.

I decide he can be my unofficial boyfriend.

Oh.

We get rescued by his (not really) best mate.

Oh, _God_.

Oh, GOD!

I'm not a Mary Sue, am I?

Oh, no. Ohh, nooo!

Ohhh noooooo!

Well, from what Angel Star told me about them, they look all perfect.

I _certainly _don't.

I mean, my hair is nice, but I am definitely not the most skinniest person you will ever meet.

I'm not even skinny.

I am nearly at slim.

Nearly being a million miles off.

I am not the fittest nor the most athletic, either.

I am a lazy eclair, I am.

Angel also said that they were delicate.

Er, if you call being a madness laughing mad cow who speaks like she is clinically insane delicate, then that's down.

Angel said that they may be the captain of a ship and be skilled with a gun/sword.

Really.

I, here meaning Velma, am a captain.

But I know _nada _about ships, guns or swords.

I have never shot a gun.

I have never used a sword.

Except for a plastic one, and I am terribly unskilled with that.

Anyway, Velma Mi Marie has my body, but not my mind. She's not delicate.

She's a bit on the thick side.

Knows nothing about ships.

So I'm not a Mary Sue.

Good.

Anyway, back to my nub.

My story was so typico because Jack _always _gets the bleeding heroine, don't he? Don't he?

"'Ello love!"

It was Free.

"Heggo, matey," I said to her, "Free?"

"Yeah?"

"You know how I told you how we got here?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think it's typico?"

"No. It's absolutely madness."

"You know yer wan, who I made up, Velma?"

"Yeees?"

"Think _she's _typico?"

"Noooo... she is also a bit on the insane side."

"Thank God!"

"Spoke to Jack lately?"

"No... haven't seen him for a while..."

"Oh, he's so fabby..."

"I know..."

"Can't believe you kissed him... what was it like?"

"I can't even describe it. It was so bloody bleeding good."

"Mmmm, he's so yum."

"True that."

"_Yo ho, yo ho... pirate's life for me... bad eggs..._and all that jazz," Free said.

We sat just looking out at the sparkly sea for a bit.

"Where are we going, anyhow?" I asked.

"To the horizon, or something," Free said.

"Riight."

"Won't it be awfully weird, though, when we go back to our time?" she said.

"It will be so weird," I said, "I am going to miss him _so much_. _So, so much_. You should go talk to him, Free. He'll like you."

"He will, of course," Free said, "What's not to like?"

I laughed, although now filled with total sadinosity.

Free went off to talk to him about maybe everything.

I was so so sad. I didn't know when we were ever going to go back.

But if and when we did, I was going to positively _die _of missing Jack...

Aw, he was so lovely...

But the other thing is, if we did stay here, there would be serious fighting over him.

This would mainly be between me and Free.

Oh, I was so crap-filled. So, so crap-filled.

Help.

I felt all meek or weak or whatever and shit.

"_It's good, isn't it grand.. isn't it great, isn't it swell, isn't it fun, isn't it...nowadays. There's men everywhere, jazz everywhere, booze everywhere, life everywhere, joy everywhere...nowadays..._"

"Captain Vel, you are turning into Roxie Hart," Siobh said, sitting down beside me, "Singing for no apparent reason. Where did Free go?"

"Went to talk to Jack and stuff."

"It's weird how we're all Irish again, isn't it? I liked the idea of being British."

"Hmmm."

"I don't want to go back home... well, I do, weirdly, but in another weird sense I don't. Do you?"

"No."

"Ahhh, you want to stay with your beloved Sex God, don'cha?"

"Spot on, Bivver."

"He'll do fine when you're gone. And plus, it seems you and Free would kill each other over him, and no one wants that."

"This is so beyond crap. I have wanted this to happen since 2003 and now it's over. It's _over_, Siobh. What are we supposed to do?"

"Er. Go to bed?" Siobh suggested.

"Yes. Yes, I vote for that. Deal with it in the morning."

We knew where we'd sleep, down with the crew.

Yes, grotty but at least it was somewhere to sleep.

Five of us (Orlagh, me, Siobh, Irene, Holly)piled down there, but Free was nowhere to be seen.

She had better not be doing Jack somewhere.

No, she probably wasn't.

I woke up in the middle of the night because Jack was virtually killing me by poking me.

"Jack," I grumbled sleepily, "if you do not stop that, I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Well, _turn around_, then, love!" he said.

So I rolled over to face him in my hammock. It was quite snuggly in there.

"Can I help you?" I said.

And he snogged me.

_Mmmmm! _(Soz, Free.)

"Good night, love," he said.

"Is that all you wanted me for?" I said.

"Well, yes," he said.

"Oh, okay."

He walked off, and then right after, Free walked up to my hammock.

"How nice was _that_, hm?" she asked.

"Lovely!" I said.

"I kissed him earlier, d'you mind?" she said.

That was really cool. She just asked me straight up.

And I couldn't be mad at her, because I know well that she is just a big Jack fan as me.

We are like equal.

So I said, "Of _course _I don't mind. Well. No. I don't. I told you he was my unofficial thing so, no I don't care, it's fine."

"You do so care," Free said.

"Okay, I give, I care a _little_," I said, "Night night."

"Don't let the... monkey bite!"

"Yes. I will accept that."

And so Free and I went to sleep, dreaming of Jack... and banana boats...


	9. Chapter 9: Where Did The Sea Go?

**Chapter Nine**

**Where Did the Ship Go? Where Did the Sea Go? Where did the Sex God Go?**

This is the last thing I remember.

_I had just drifted off to sleep again, with my dreams of Jack and also banana boats, when Jack woke me. _Again. _Can you believe that?_

_How ridiculisimus!_

_He said, "Just one more, for the road, love."_

_We shared a snog and stuff._

_The usual._

_We broke apart (boo) and Jack said, "I'm going to miss you, love."_

_I laughed._

_"What the frig are you talking about?"_

_"When you go. I'll miss you."_

_"Ah. Thanks. Here," I said and gave him my big purple ring like his, "Don't remember me as a bitch."_

_"Right," he said._

_And then he gave me this silver coin he had in his pocket._

_"Don't remember me as a whelp, will you, love?" he told me._

_"Ha! Please, the only one I'll remember as a whelp is Will," I said, and hugged him, "Night, Jack. Sweet dreams, you dote."_

_He walked off again._

_I do not know what in the name of arse that was about._

_I really don't._

_So, I drifted back off into my sleeps..._

I did sleep.

But when I woke up--

I opened my eyes and rubbed them.

I looked around.

I saw a million posters of Lily Allen, Razorlight, Gwen Stefani, Adam Brody, My Chemical Romance, The Killers, The Fratellis, Amy Winehouse, Beyoncé...

And my _Pirates of the Caribbean_ wall.

The huge Captain Jack Sparrow poster above my bed.

I was back home.

I. Was. Back. Home!

"Oh, my God," I whispered to myself as I saw Orlagh, Siobh, Irene and Holly sprawled on the bed next to me.

I looked down.

I was wearing my green camisole, green shoes and Paco jeans.

My hand reached down into the pocket of my jeans.

I pulled out my Captain Jack Sparrow coin and the silver one the man himself had given me.

Ohhhh.

I saw Siobh stretching and yawning.

Her eyes flickered open and she sat up bolt straight.

"Ohmigodwe'rebackhome!!!!!!!" she exclaimed rather alarmingly.

"Ah, feck!" I said, throwing myself back down on the bed, "Feckfeckfeckfeckfeckfeckfeckfeck!!!!!!!!!"

"Mmm, who's feckin' in here?" Orlagh said, waking up.

She looked around her.

"Ah, shite."

Irene woke up next.

"Why? Whyohwhyohwhy?" she said.

And Holly woke up last.

"I'm hungry."

"SHUT UP, HOLLY!" we all screamed at her.

"This is terrible, just terrible. This is the most terrible thing that has ever possibly happened to me," I said.

"What about when Elizabeth kissed Jack?"

"Holly, what the hell did I just tell you?"

Then I remembered.

"Free!" I said, running downstairs.

Just as I was about to flick on the broadband, I decided to check Johnny's room.

I opened the door, and he was sleeping peacefully on his bed.

"Right where I left you," I said.

Then I rushed out to the computer.

"What in rum's name are you doing?" Irene asked.

"I have to check my email."

I went into MSN and logged in.

I looked at the inbox.

Two new messages.

I clicked into it and read the first one.

_**For Velma. Obviously.**_

_**To Velma,**_

_**I am going to sound like a prat, but, oh well.**_

_**I am going to miss you so much when you go.**_

_**We had a good time together, darling, and I won't forget it anytime soon.**_

_**And I am not good at this sort of thing.**_

_**And now I am beginning to sound like the Turner whelp.**_

_**Anyway, good luck, love. Think of me, and I'll do the same for you.**_

_**Remember, take what you can, give nothing back...**_

_**From**_

_**Captain Jack Sparrow**_

_Hi Captain SparrowAngelMusicBaby!_

_How bloody AWESOME was that, huh?_

_Jack tells me to write all that down, for you specially! Ohhh, you are SO LUCKY, love! He's so lovely. So so lovely._

_Meeeellllttttt!_

_Anyway, mail me later!_

_Love, Free X_

I just looked at it, gaping.

I opened the next email.

_Oi! Captain SAMB!_

_Hiya! HOW BLOODY AWESOME was our time with the pirates?_

_I'll tell you how. Very very BLOODY AWESOME!_

_Can't believe we're back home. It's raining here right now._

_Wish I was out at sea._

_Isn't Jack SO MUCH HOTTER in real life? Isn't he?_

_Yeah, I know._

_Tell the girls I said ello ello!_

_Lots of love, and rum too!_

_Your pal, Free X_

"Oh...my...God," Siobh said.

"Dear... Lordy," Orlagh said.

"Well, aren't you going to reply?" Irene asked me.

"Oh!"

I clicked 'Reply' and wrote.

_My God, Free, are you the nicest, or wha'?!_

_Thank you SOOO much for the note. I am going to print it out and carry it everywhere I go._

_Literally._

_And, ohh yes, Jack is WAY hotter in real life. Really. He is._

_I woke up only a few minutes ago and I was like, "NOOOOOOO!"_

_I can't believe it's over._

_I miss him so much already!_

_Okay. _

_The girlies say heggo,_

_Love, Clara_

I clicked 'Send' and slumped back in the computer chair.

"I miss him," I said.

"We all do," Siobh said.

The best time of my life was over.

It had passed so _quickly_.

Now it was back to the daily routine, get up, be obsessed with POTC, eat, type on the computer, go to bed, dream of POTC.

I took the silver coin out and fingered it for a few minutes, the other girls just watching me.

I would always remember the last words Jack had said to me, and I would always hold them dear.

_**"Don't remember me as a whelp, will you, love?"**_

**The End...Or is It?**


	10. Last Chapter: Free's Diary

**STOP THE PRESS! THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!**

**This is my chappy for a mate... Enjoy it! R&R, too.**

**The Last Chapter: Free's Diary**

Dear Diary,

You are not going to believe this.

Yes, I am aware that you are lines on a page, but lines have feelings too.

And I am probably hurting you with the pen right now.

But I don't care.

I really, really don't care!

The Kraken could swallow me up right now, and I wouldn't give less of a flying fig's undergarments.

Because I would have the image in my head of me pulling Captain Jack Sparrow into a good, long, brilliant, tasty kiss. Actually, he pulled me in, but...never mind!

Right, I guess I had better tell you the story...

So, you know about my friend Clara, right? The one from Ireland? Yeah, well.

I was going to send her an email, and I did, I sent it, but I got this thing back telling me to follow a link. So I did, and I got this thingy back saying to follow a link. So I followed the link.

And got sucked into the computer. Yes. Into it.

Anyway, I ended up on the deck of the Flying Dutchman, which was beyond cool, obviously.

So I ended up talking to Will about all this stuff, and he told me this story of how'd they'd ended up in the twenty first century. And I was like, "Riiiiight." So, we were going off to save Elizabeth for what must've been the millionth time.

So I spent my couple of days on the Dutchman, and the blokes there are actually nice enough. After the few days, I could see we were approaching this island, so I did a very Sparrowesque-y thing. I got up on the sail like Jack did in Curse of the Black Pearl and At World's End and just sort of looked out to sea. It was kind of scary standing up on a bit of wood. I almost developed vertigo. But I didn't.

Anyway, the crew and I got into a longboat (because Will not being able to set foot on land for virtually ever) and rowed toward this island. And when we got there, there was a load of twenty first century people there. And they were really excited to see us.

I supposed they expected us to save them.

So I saw Bootstrap taking care of the Elizabeth issue, so I went in search of Jack. Mmmm...

Anyway.

I locked eyes with this girl about my age, dressed in this little blue dress that looked like something out of POTC.

I went over and said, "Hey, I'm Frederique. I'll be your rescuer this evening."

Yes, I know, I'm quite strange. But she was stranger.

She said, "OF COURSE you are! OF COURSE YOU ARE! How in the name of RUM did I not guess that? HOW? Ahahahahaha!"

And I was like, Okay, you are strange.

Then she said, "Free, heggo, my name is Clara. Also known as SparrowAngelMusicBaby!!!"

Then I practically died.

"Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Ahahaha! OF COURSE YOU ARE! OH MY GOD! My mad leprachaun e-pal! HAHAHA!!!"

We hugged and then Clara said, "But, here, listen, I have THE MADDEST story to tell you! Or maybe Will already told you, I don't know. But listen, whatever you do, do not call me Clara. Call me Velma, okay? It's a long and mad story. But- hold on. Listen. I want you to meet someone...and you will positively die when you meet him!"

So she lead me over to _THE GOD_ that is CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I did die, practically.

Clara said to him, "Jack? This is Frederique. Free- yeah, you know who he is. Our very own Captain Jack Sparrow."

Somehow I did not go into total cardiac arrest right there on the spot.

I managed to say, "Captain Jack Sparrow, what a pleasure to meet you at last!"

After that, I met Orlagh, who is very cool. So we went on the Dutchman, leaving everyone else on the island behind, regretfully.

Clara told me all about their trip; the pirates coming to her house, them going to Port Royal, the Tortuga incident, Scarlett and Giselle joining the crew (that must've been fun) and coming to the island.

She also told me about how she and Jack are an extremely unofficial item. I was _SO SO SO SO SO SO SO JEALOUS OF HER! _Anyway, Orlagh was really upset over this guy called Sawyer, and I told her to just imagine him surrounded by sheep.

So she decided to give Will a go instead. But Jack the Sex God said that it was totally pointless because he was besotted with Elizabeth, which is unfortunately true.

And I said to him, "For someone as as gorgeous and smart as yourself, you truly do not know how to reassure someone, Jack."

And he said, "That is only true in some circles."

And Orlagh said, "I hate Elizabeth so much."

And we all nodded like really supportive nodding dog mates. Especially Jack.

So, later on, I was talking to Clara again, and she said I should go talk to Jack because he'll like me.

OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, so I went to find him, and I found him looking out to see and stuff like that.

I kind of lingered behind him for a few seconds, thinking of something to say, like, "Tis a mighty fine night!"

But that would be very very disturbing. So I said to him, "_Captain_ Sparrow...I was just wondering if you could tell me the story of how you...escaped Nassau Port without firing a single shot?"

And he turned around and _SMILED AT ME_, with those great gold teeth, and told me the story.

I got lost in those eyes for a few bits, and the story was really really long, but so much the better.

At the end, I went, "That really is _amazing_, Captain..." and twirled my hair around my finger, just to see what he would do.

And this is the last thing I expected...

While I was twirling my hair, I fluttered my eyelashes a bit, just for effect...and then he pulled me right up nearer to him and said, "Any time, love."

_Any time, love!_

_Any time, love!_

_**Any**_time, _**love**_.

Any _**time**_, love.

_**Any**_ time, _**love**_.

Hehehehehehehehehehheehhehehehe!

Ach! Shut up uncontrollable laughing, you uncontrollable laughing maniac!

Anyway...

So there I was, right up near to him, right up close to him, and I didn't start giggling like a maniac or anything when-- when he--

_WHEN HE KISSED ME FULL ON THE LIPS FOR NO APPARENT REASON BUT IT WAS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!_

Now I don't want to brag or gloat or anything, but... HA HA I SNOGGED CAPTAIN JACK AND YOU DIDN'T HA HA HA HA HA DI HA HA!

I am going to describe it in great detail now, so gird your loins...

I was right up near him, about to fall over the railing coz I could feel the heat of him next to me...and I remembered to smile very attractively, and he just smiled back and pulled me right up to him, and swept the hair that was on my face off my face and just kissed me. And it was fab, because his arm was there around my waist, and he was holding me right tightly...and I put my hand on his face, my eyes closed, _SAVOURING THE FABBYNESS OF THE MOMENT!!!!!!!!_

And we were probably _that close _to tounge action, when he stopped. And I was like, _Nooo, Jack, nooooo, please, noooo_ in my head, because if I said it out loud I probably would've sounded like he was killing me, or I was a total nymphomaniac.

The other thing was that I nearly said, "Cor, nice snogging, Jackie." Then I would have been very much and literally insane.

This is what did happen, though...

He smiled at me again, _again!_, and I smiled back. I found myself saying, "Now, is this about Velma? Why you just stopped?"

Ooh, coolinosity at all times. Good work. I owe myself a Coke.

Then Jack said, "Oh, no, love. She doesn't want anything exclusive, and neither do I. The reason I stopped was you're just too good at it!"

I love it when he flatters me.

"You're not half bad yourself, Captain," I said, and flicked my hair, and walked away, in a flirty-at-all-times way.

I walked behind the stairs up to the place where the wheel is. The stern deck.

I crouched down behind the stairs and started to laugh, hard. I knew Jack couldn't see me, thank the Lord.

"Ahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" I laughed quietly. Bootstrap Bill passed and saw me and stared at me for about a century and a half and I said, "What'choo lookin' at?" and he cleared off. Just like that!

I decided to wait til later to tell Clara about my adventure, because I just wanted to savour it for another hour or two... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Later on, Jack came to me (oo-er) again.

"Free, could you do me a favour?" he asked, all cool and groovy looking. "Of course," I replied.

And he told me to write this note for Clara and I was like, "Cor, she's lucky to have you" and Jack said, "She doesn't have me, darling. But, thanks, all the same."

So we all descended to bed, and I passed Clara's hammocky thing, and it was just after Jack had been there on snogging business, and I said, "How nice was _that_, hm?"

"Lovely!" she said.

She seemed in a really good mood, as anyone would've been, so I just came straight out and told her.

"I kissed him earlier, d'you mind?"

That was quick.

"Of _course _I don't mind. Well. No. I don't. I told you he was my unofficial thing, so, no I don't care, it's fine."

And painless!

But I said, "You do so care."

And she said, "Okay, I give, I care a _little_...Night night."

"Don't let the...monkey bite," I warned.

And so I crept off to find a spare hammock, to dream of Captain Jack...and banana boats...for some reason...

**The Real End**

**Ach! It's over! It's all over! I can't believe it! Oh, I'm so sad...**

**I want to give out some Thank U's...**

**RaphaelFanGirl101: **My very first reviewer, thanks for readin' and laffin' and not getting too busy _not _to read and laff! I love _Pirates of the Caribbean: The Treasures of the Lost Island_. _Vair _good with knobs, even. I am going to read that Nemo fic! I promise you! Go Barbossa/Sawyer/Desmond/Charlie, it's your birthday, it's your birthday! GHOSTS ON A FROZEN TRAMPOLINE!

**Captain Sparrow-luv: **Ah, thanks, love. You are such a great reviewer, and absolutely bonkers. Which is so so so so so good! Because, really, everyone who is bonkers is the sanest of us all. This is why I am absolutely mad also. Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed your stint in the story and particularly the last chapter! I really hope I did you justice! Mail me, woman!

**Ona Mission: **Thank you, thank you for telling me NOT to center allign my stories. It's true. Everyone likes them better the other way. The right way. If you are going to center allign anything, center allign...a...beaver. Whatever that means. Rock on!

**iNewf: **You didn't review my story, but thanks for taking the piddly diddly out of DMC! Ha, ha di ha ha, _vair amusant_!


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